


Two Views On One World

by cHrizHasIssues



Category: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: F/M, It was gonna be a one shot but then it wasnt lol, M/M, No Smut, Panic! at the Disco - Freeform, Ryden, also + I am writing another Ryden series and forgot to write on this, i feel sorry for ryan, idk maybe there will be under 10 chapters?, ill add tags along the way, im not good at smut, im v lazy, petekey, shane morris is a freaking dick, sorry god, this is why i stick to small one-shots, we'll see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-25 00:29:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16650838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cHrizHasIssues/pseuds/cHrizHasIssues
Summary: The world is about to turn upside down for George Ryan Ross The Third when he runs away from his abusive friend Shane Morris. Ryan hides with his old bandmate and a lot of questions gets answered. He is tho haunted by the thoughts of Shane Morris finding him again. When Shane finally takes action and threatens to hurt everyone Ryan love a lot of shit happens. Will Ryan ever find peace in himself? And will Brendon finally admit he's in love with his long-forgotten best friend?(read it its worth it, I swear)





	1. Real Nightmares/Reality

**Author's Note:**

> okay, so I'm currently trying to write the ending onto this (very long one-shot) this uhm.. series now. Honestly, don't know how long this will be but I hope you will enjoy it, I started this fanfic in July? I guess. I'll maybe edit this for typos in the future

  
Ryan hadn´t been out of his house in days, he had recently broken up with Z because of Shane. Yes, Shane had lied to everyone about not managing Ryan anymore, now Shane didn´t live with him anymore and he was a bit more `free´. He could go to parties if Shane came too. Shane had gotten him, girlfriends. He felt bad for leading them on, but Shane said he should at least try to be with them. Shane was horrible. Always said he looked fat and should go to the gym or stop eating for a month to lose some weight. Ofc Ryan had stopped eating after Shane had threatened with a slap across the cheek and a gun in his hand. He feared Shane. He couldn´t stop Shane from managing him, he couldn´t make Shane go away. Shane said that if he called the police or told anybody about him, he would hurt Dottie and his cats. He would hurt Ryan even more, he would hurt his friends.

Ryan couldn´t go on the social medias anymore, and when he finally came on Twitter he had 30 min before Shane came and took his phone away. Shane had made him quit being in Panic!. He really missed Spencer and Brendon and Jon. But what could he do? Ryan still made some music, If only he could escape the hell he was in. He couldn´t even talk to his family anymore, bc of Shane. In the start Shane was nice and funny, now he´s just abusive.

Ryan was sitting on his couch watching TV when the front door opened. Shane and some skinny white girl walked through the house. They stumbled across the room towards Ryan´s bedroom. This was normal by now, Shane being drunk walking to Ryans house, using his bedroom to bang some white skinny unhealthy girl. Which meant, at least 20 min on the phone. Ryan got up and walked towards a cabinet and opened it and found his phone and computer, he took his phone and unlocked it quickly. 22 missed phone calls, and 99+ messages, he checked some messages quickly, 57 messages from his family, some from Brendon from forever ago and some text from other friends. He quickly texted Spencer, _SS_  which meant Still Shane. Which meant he was still trapped with Shane and was horrible. Spencer couldn´t come and help him bc then Shane could shoot him and he would know that Ryan had told and talked to another person. He quickly laid the phone back in the cabinet and locked it. He made his way to the kitchen and began to make some food. Shane stumbled out of his bedroom and kinda yelled at Ryan for not have made his food already.

Shane walked out the front door with the white girl, she looked terrible. He had gotten the neighbor to take his cats and got Dottie in a leach. He took his phone and computer. He took the hidden suitcase and laid the computer down there. This was very risky yes. He had called a Taxi for a long time ago and told hint o wait a bit away from his house so Shane didn´t notice. He took his suitcase and Dottie and looked out the front door to make sure Shane had driven away. When he had checked he ran out the door and towards the Taxi. The Taxi driver noticed him and smiled.

When he was in the taxi and had said the address, he texted Spencer, _-Kinda, just ran away from Shane. Dottie and the cats are safe. I'm scared.-_ On the other side of the screen Spencer was surprised by the words Ryan had wrote.

Ryan checked Twitter, checked Panic! At the Disco profil, Pray for the wicked tour starting soon? He hadn´t have time to listen to the new album. He plugged his headphones in and began to listen to it. It was very good.

When the taxi stopped in front of a house, his mobil vibrated, probably a text from his mom. When he checked he felt himself choke on a sob. He felt like screaming and throwing up. He walked up to the house, shaking, couldn´t stop thinking about what Shane had done. The image Shane had sent him was his 3 cats dead. The first one with a bullet through its head, the second, head was gone. and the third was just, I cant even write about it. It was all too much, He felt himself go numb right there and broke down in front of the front door. His phone landed besides him as he hugged himself tight. Dottie came and licked his hands, he had actually send out a painful scream, which had led to the front door open.

"Fucking hell, who are you-" The person had knelt down and looked at the photo Shane had sent Ryan. "Geesus christ. It looks like Ryans cat- _RYAN_?" Ryan tried to dry his eyes which only made it worse. He just nodded silently, "I-I shouldn´t h-h. Have l-left them" He sobbed on his words. "B-Bren, S-s-hane, he." he couldn´t keep talking, the image was hunting his mind and he held Dottie in his arms close. Brendon lifted Ryan in his arms and bought him in on his couch, he took Dottie, the suitcase and the phone indoors as well. "Ryan. What happened these last years?"

Ryan had calmed down, "Shane h-happened." Ryan said. Brendon looked confused, "Shane Morris? Your past maneger?" "Current Maneger. He lied." Ryan said more confident in his voice. The panic filled Ryans face, "I shouldn´t h-have said that, h-he´ll kill me.. And you! Oh god oh god oh godohgod" Ryan held himself close. "Calm down Ryan, I bet he wouldn´t-" "You dont understand! He will! He killed my cats! He killed my life!" Ryan said, voice filled with pain. "Ryan. He won´t find us here. Trust me." Ryan was suddenly filled with pain and angerness. Ryan stood up and stamped outside.

"Ryan, stop being a child and lets talk!" Brendon said following Ryan. "ACTING LIKE A CHILD?? I CAME TO ESCAPE HELL!" Ryan rambled, not even knowing what he was saying, all he could think about was Shane and his cats. "Ryan. I´m sorry for what Shane did to y-" "You dont know shit, Urie. I seem like the asshole who left Panic! The guy who overdosed on weed, the Ryan Ross who´s nonexitstent, the moon. I disappeared, I DIDNT WANT THIS!" Ryan broke down in tears again. "Ryan, can we keep a bit quiet, Sarah is still sleeping. We have a tour soon, you can come with us, always on the run? I really wanna know what happened between you and Shane." Brendon hugged Ryan close.

"Brendon who are you talking to- Ryan? What happened to you?" Sarah walked quickly over to Brendon, tore him off and hugged Ryan, she lifted his arms and saw the scares. "Ryan." Sarah looked in his eyes with worry. "Did you do this-" "Shane d-did..." Ryan admitted, sobbing into Sarahs arms. "I-Im sorry, I-Im so sorry, Shane took my phone and computer away from me, he took my family away, he took Panic! away from me.. He took everything, and n-now my cats, oh god.. What about my hens. My chickens!" Ryan sobbed out. Sarah and Brendon looked at eachother, doing that wierd eye talk. "Shane. Shane Morris, the fat shaming selfish prick who called the police on a 12 year old girl, who insulted fall out boy and said that he wanted to kill Petes 5 year old son, THAT Shane Morris?" Ryan looked at Sarah impressed, "y-yes how did y-you know?" "tumblr side." Sarah shrugged.

After Brendon had bought Ryan inside, he felt how light Ryan had gotten, "Geez Ryan you´re almost as light as my dog. When did you last eat?" Brendon half joked. "I-I don´t know. since 2011.. I kinda stopped to get thinny and skinny like Shane told me to. I eat an apple a day, y´know to keep the doctors away, haha..." Brendon could hear the seriousness in his voice. "You need a proper meal Ryan, you can´t live off apples." Brendon didn´t know shit about Ryan, he could have stopped Ryan when he talked to him in Cape Town. Wait, "Ryan, you still go on Twitter, you replied to my tweets sometimes?" Ryan looked confused, "I haven´t replied to you..? I rarely send Tweets out... Y´know only 20 min per week. " "So.. Shane has replied to me the whole time??" Brendon asked shocked. "Apperently so it appears, He has my Twitter. He doesn´t care about me tweeting sometimes, he knows I have the key to the cabinet anyways. I just cant.. reply, talk to people..." Ryan said looking down at his feet.

"You´know my single... Where I belong.. It was a hint how I was feeling. I tried to escape, really. Shane caught me.. cut me.. locked in my bedroom with his pet snake.. That snake is big.. It may have eaten me if Dottie hadn´t been with me." Ryan said, a tear rolling down his cheek. brendon looked like a mother who just found out his son was found dead. "and... yes sure I can go on tour with you, when and how long?" Ryan tried to change the subject. "RyRo..-" "next week.. And just some cities, ending Feb 20.." Ryan smiled through his tears, "Awesome.. Do you have a bed I can sleep in?.." Ryan asked sleepily. "Ofc."

\--

Ryan woke up, beginning to breath quick, god Shane was gonna murder him for sleeping, why was he sleeping. Food, Shane wanted food. Was the house clean enough? Had he wrote the new song text? He didn´t god, 10 slaps and probably some knife cuts was gonna be his punishment.

Brendon came inside, "Ryan?-" "Im s-sorry!" Ryan cried out, holding his cutted arms in front of him. "Ryan what´s going on?. How many fucking cuts have that bastard made on you?" Brendon walked closer to Ryan, everything around Ryan was foggy, all he knew was, Shane was gonna kill him, Dottie needed to be safe, he couldn´t see Brendon, couldn´t hear his angelic voice, Ryan hugged around his knees, waiting for the cuts, waiting for the blood to drip down on the white bed. Brendon sat down on the bed and touched Ryans shoulder gently, "It´s just me Ryan. It´s Brendon." Ryan flinched when Brendon touched him.

"Bren.. -" Slowly his vision became clearer. He was safe. No Shane Morris. Just Brendon. "Brendon Urie." Ryan said mostly to himself. "Yes, Just plain old Brendon Urie, RyRo.." Brendon hugged his fragile friend. "I´ll go shopping for clothes for you today. You stay here with Sarah. Again. Shane won´t come and kill you. You are safe. " Ryan really wanted to belive him. He really did.

Brendon had gone out shopping and Sarah and Ryan was watching TV when a Breaking News interupted the program.

**´´BREAKING NEWS: Spencer Smith, past drummer for Panic! At The Disco was shot last night in the shoulder and chest. He´s hospitalized. The man who shot Spencer Smith ran away. The man is unknown. This happened in LA California.´´**

Ryan looked at the TV screen, a single tear rolled down his cheek. "It´s all my fault. I shouldn´t have ran away from S-Shane. I-I am responsible for this." "Ryan. This isn´t your fault. Don´t say such shit to yourself. Shane should have been in Jail for a long while ago. You are worth it." Sarah said, trying to make Ryan calm down. Ryan didn´t listen to her. "Nononono. S-stop." Ryan ran out the front door, Sarah tried to follow him, for someone who was starving ran Ryan fast. Ryan didn´t know where the fuck he was going, towards town he guessed. Maybe Shane went towards Spencer bc he had been Ryans best friend for the longest time. Ryan came to a mall, slowed down and walked inside. He just needed to get away from everything. Away from himself. When Ryan stepped inside the toilet a hand grabbed his throat and a sharp object was too close to his throat. Ryan tensed.

"Ryan. Ross." Shane said bittert. "Trying to run from me. Tsk." Ryan felt himself tear up. "Who are you living with? Pete? Maybe Z? or could it be Brendon Urie?" Shane said directly into Ryans face, Ryan had gained a bit more confidence to at least talk agains´t Shane, "You wont know, Morris! You´re just an abusive BITC-" Ryan cried out and held to his new made wound on his arms, he almost fell to the floor if Shane hadn´t had held him by his collor so tight. "Shut the fuck up, Ross. I am in charge of YOU. You get it, whore?" Ryan could only nod and look down.

"Now. When we get home, you´ll get a punishment. A much more worse one. Maybe I´ll even kill Z, Brendon and Pete just to be sure you won´t run away again." Shane smiled creepily at Ryan who was struggeling to keep his blood in. It was too much blood loss. He couldn´t handle it.

"Ryan!" Ryan heard a familiar voice yell, A bag had fallen to the floor and Shane wasn´t holding him up anymore, so he fell to the floor, clutching to his arm. he heard a broken evil laughter and a knife slide across the bathroom floor. He could hear that Shane was knocked out, afterwards, he heard a phone call. "B-Brendon, do-n-nt call the c-cops o-or the ho- ospital p-please" Ryan begged through his sharp inhales. Brendon looked at his friend laying on the floor, clutching to his bloody arm and then looked at the knocked out Shane laying on the floor. "Ryan, he hurt you, multiple times! And that wound need profesional help." "H-He´ll kill Dottie. He´ll kill Pete, Z and you. H-he´ll oh god. God no. brendon. Im begging. Y-You, don´t call t-the cops on Sh-hane. Y-You can call a-an ambulance, s-say I did it to m-m-myself and Shane was a-a stranger walking by and b-blacked out b-by the s-sign of b-b-blood. bren Pls." Ryan begged again. Brendon didn´t wanna say no to ryan, but he knew how wrong this was. He could set Shane behind bars for a lifetime.

"Yes, hello. In the blah blah blah Mall in LA. My friend cut himself with a knife and is almost dying. Please come as soon as possible." Brendon said through the phone. "T-Thanks Bren.." Ryan said quietly. "Don´t think about it" Brendon smiled at him. "So what exactly happened since you´re here in the first place?" Brendon spoke softly, sitting down and laying Ryans head in his lap. He stroke Ryans hair softly and looked in his eyes. Ryan held his breath for a moment, what the fuck was Brendon doing? He looked back into Brendons brown eyes, they where beautiful, very. Ryan had had a small crush on Brendon in the Fever era. The small crush turned into a huge one in Pretty. Odd. era and then he just had to leave Brendon because of Shane. When Ryan looked into Brendons eyes, he could see love, pain, worry and just brown. He had missed almost all of Brendons life, he didn´t know most of the albums Brendon had done, he knew Vices & Virtues but after that Shane had taken him away from his social media life. He had seen Brendon at a Halloween Party, only said a few words before he remembered Shane was near and wasn´t going to be happy finding him talking to Brendon, so he just ran away like his life depended on it. He could almost feel how much pain that left Brendon that night, but he didn´t wanna make Shane hurt him. Brendon couldn´t get hurt bc he was a dick, but here he was, making a risk of running away from Shane. It had been pretty normal when Shane became alcoholic, his dad had been alcoholic(And abusive) so he didn´t care too much, but then Shane had hit him, beat him up and there is where everything had gone to shit. Ryan looked up at Brendon's face, looking at his face, his hair. Brendon had changed so much, yet he hadn´t, he was still the loving dork he had had a crush on, shit. Did he still have a crush on Brendon?

"Ryan? My question?" brendon said with concern. "Wut?" Ryan answered looking confused at Brendon, coughing a bit blood up on the floor, "Did you question me anything?" Ryan said looking back at Brendon. "Yes, why did you come here?" "Oh, Spencer almost di- S-Spencer almost died.. Shane shot him twice and-" he sobbed and coughed a bit more. "Ryan shh.. Spencer will be fine, you´ll be fine. Shane won´t harm you anymore, I promise." "D-Dont promise something me something you can´t keep." Ryan said.. He coughed some more times and then the blackness slowly came over him. He couldn´t see or feel anything, no pain.. No scars on his body, he could almost feel the freedom, away from the problem, his head felt light and his soul almost free from the heavy body and gravity. But something kept him down.

Brendon looked at Ryans body in the hospital bed, the doctors said he had lost over half of his blood and he was lucky he survived. Brendon had been sitting and living in the hospital for 3 days now, Sarah had texted him and said she´d take care of the dogs and the house. The Pray for The Wicked tour sneaked up on him and he really wanted to keep Ryan close and take him with him on tour, but if Ryan was just gonna lay in a coma for, how long it took him, he didn´t now what to do. Slowly Ryan woke up, Brendon looked at Ryan hopefully, "RyRo? Are you there?" "Charlie Charlie, I am here," Ryan groaned, his head was quite dizzy, "Where the fuck am I?" He had sat up and was looking at the needle in his arm. "In the hospital." Brendon answeres simply.

"H-Hospital?" He looked at Brendon, "How long?" He gulped, for him, he was at that mall bathroom for just a moment ago, but how different is the time here from there, whatever you call it. "Three days. I am really happy you´re awake again Ry." Brendon smiled at him. "Three days? Geesus christ." Ryan said mumbling. "Dottie? What about my dog?" Ryan asked despreatly. "Sarah took care of your dog Ryan, don´t worry." Ryan exhaled all the air he had been keeping in. "Thank god." Ryan said, smiling a bit. "Soo.."

"-Y´know the tour is soon, and you´re of course gonna come with me.. Is it okay to let Dottie alone with Sarah, like I know Dottie have been your best friend for several years and If you want her to come with you, she totally can, It´d just get easier to let her stay with Sarah beca-" "Shut up. It´s fine. I trust Sarah."

"Ryan." Brendon took his hand on Ryans cheek, looking into his eyes, now its time, Ryan thought. This is where he was getting his first Brendon Urie kiss. Ryan looked back into Brendons eyes. "You really need to eat." Brendon said, "Mmm.." Ryan said, too deeply into his thoughts of Princes and Princesses kisses. "Ryan?" "What?" Ryan said, snapping out of his thoughts blushing a bit. "You need to eat." "oh.. Yearh ofc.," Ryan said a bit dissapointed. Brendon let go of Ryans cheek, "You also need a new phone, you still have that Iphone 4." "What´s wrong with my IPhone?" "It´s Old fashioned. I can buy you a new IPhone. X or 8?" "I guess 8?" Ryan said, still a bit confused, his phone was fine and he didn´t really need a new one.

"Ryan Ross," the doctors came in to check on him. "You can go from the hospital, Brendon here will take care of you and keep an extra eye on you. You gonna be okay?" Ryan just nodded, the doctor had gone out of the room again. Ryan stood up, "I have to- Y´know.. Take my clothes on.. uhm.." Brendon quickly blushed and walked towards the door, "S-sorry" Brendon said and hurried out of the room. Ryan looked at the door as it closed and quickly took his clothes on, he took a hand through his hair and hoped it looked good enough, he also needed to shave his stubble off when he came home, or over to Brendons place since he couldn´t go back to his actual home.

Ryan got his stuff and got out of the room, Brendon was standing outside of the room playing fortnite on his phone, "What´s that game?" Ryan asked making Brendon jump. "Oh, just Fortnite y´know.. I think I´ve gotten addicted.." "Fortnite? Don´t know that game." Ryan looked at Brendons phone as he was playing, "EAT SHIT TOAST89!" Brendon yelled as he won the round. "Brendon shut up, this is a hospital.." Ryan whispered to Brendon. Some doctors and nurses walked past them sending them looks. "Sorry.. Let´s get home.." Brendon said and shoved his phone down in his pocket. He took Ryans hand and walked towards the exit. Ryans brain registered that Brendon was holding his hand, he had done this many times. This was a normal Friend Gesture. But he coudn´t help that his heart sped up.

As they reached the exit Brendon must have realised he had held Ryans hand and let his hand slide away from Ryans hand, his hand felt empty again, they reached his car and got inside without a word getting spoken. The first to break the silence was Ryan, "So.. uhm.. Does Zack and the other band members know i´m coming too?" Brendon had started driving.. "No.. I think Zack was pissed at you in like 2014.." Ryan looked at Brendon.. "What- Why?" "You said he was a douchebag on Twitter.. that was a very dickmove of you.. But I´ve moved on, I don´t think Zack has tho." Twitter. 2014. Ryan hadn´t used his phone or computer from 2010 to 2016.. "I didn´t use Twitter at that time.. I think it might have been Shane.." Ryan gulped at that name, "Oh.. Why didn´t you have Twitter? I think I read somewhere that Shane had gotten your password.." Brendon asked focused on the road in front of him.. "Shane took them from me.. after I had gotten catfished by a fan.." Ryan looked down in his lap.. The pain from the past flowing into him. "Catfished? You got catfished? Tell me about it" Brendon said, not have noticed Ryans pain. "W-well- They claimed t-to be you.. So m-m-me and that f-fan texted.. I thought.. I could s-say how s-sorry I was for the b-band breakup.. a-and maybe start o-our friendship again.. Then t-they invited m-me to your wedding.. I w-was exited to t-talk to you.. I t-tried to ask for the adress of t-the wedding.. B-but they never replied.. A-and I felt so bad..-" tears was rolling down Ryans cheeks.. "- And then.. they texted me that they where sorry.. That I g-got tricked.. A-and it broke m-me..." Ryan sobbed into his hoodie sleeve, tried to wipe off all those tears. Brendon had stopped in front of his house, and looked at Ryan.. "Ryan.. I´m so sorry that happned to you... I-" Brendon pulled Ryan into a hug. ".. O-On that note.. W-why didnt.. you. Invite me to y-your wedding?" Ryan asked curious.. "I did.. You never replied, It was in 2012.." "O-oh.. yearh Shane had my phone there.."

They both got out of the car, Ryan tried to hide himself behind Brendon, but Brendon had held Ryans hand close and opened the door. Dottie had sat at the door and jumped up of Ryans leg. Ryan let go of Brendons hand and lifted Dottie into his arms.. "love you.." Ryan whispered into the dogs fur. Brendon smiled at the sight, Sarah came into the hallway and moved over and pecked Brendons cheek, "I made dinner boys." "Thanks m o m" Brendon said smiling, he got flipped off by a smiling Sarah who dissapeared into the kitchen.

Ryan walked into the living room with Dottie in his arms. He was gonna miss her while he was gone, but Brendon had said that Sarah would come to the show the 14 of febuary. And she would bring the dogs, as much as Brendon loved to have his dogs with him on tour, he had to give his full attention to Ryan on this tour. Brendon sat down besides Ryan on his couch, he still had a lot of questions, but he didnt dare to ask them. Ryan had the PFTW hoodie on with stained tears on the sleeves. Sarah came out with three plates with spaghetti on them, "Here ya´ go boys, eat up" she said smiling. Ryan and Brendon took the plates and Brendon started the TV.

After they had ate up Ryan needed to take a shower, his back hurt from laying in a bed for 3 days. As he stood up and went to the bathroom he forgot to take extra clothes with him, so he just went into the bathroom and stripped, turned the lock and looked at the bruises and scars on his arms and body. He traced his finger along the big scar across his chest, he had woken up, probably blacked out, in his bed, not in the hospital where he should have been laying. Ryan stepped into the shower and inhaled deeply, why did he have such a shitty life? Who made his life this hard, he just wanted happy parents, being able to make music, still being in Panic, seeing the band grow.. He felt the water come down his back, as he reached for the shampoo.

He got out of the shower, looking for a towell and found one. He dried his hair and took it around his waist. Disgusted by his own scras he tried to find the clothes he had forgot to bring in here with him. He looked at the old clothes, smelly, he had always had a sense of fashion so he wouldn´t take the old smelly clothes back on. He unlocked the door, but didn´t get as far because the door opened, "Thank god you´re done, I´ve been dying to pe-" Brendons eyes widned asa half naked Ryan was in front of him, he blushed and looked at Ryans scars across his body, "Jesus holy spirit.." Ryan blushed, "I forgot.. m-my uhm.. clothes- I mean new clothes.. uh" Ryan said looked down, trying to walk past Brendon, but Brendon stopped him. "SARAH?" Brendon called, Oh god Brendon didnt just- "Yeah?" He heard Sarah say across the room, the steps came closer. Ryan tried to hide his body with his arms, he felt so exposed. Sarah came and widned at the sight of her husband and his old band memeber, "BRENDON! WHY!" Sarah screeched. "Ryan.. He has, so many scars.." Brendon said still in a bit shock. He took a finger over the big scar on Ryans stomach.

"Can.. I-I uhm.. take some clothes on.." Ryan said uncomfortable. Sarah then looked and then was as shocked as Brendon when she saw the many scars, "W-Was that all Shanes work?" Sarah asked Ryan.. "Y-Yes..?" "And how many times have you been to the hospital, when he did this much damage on you?" Sarah asked, clearly worried. "Uhmm.. Only that one time where Brendon knocked him out.. eh.. not ever then.." Ryan said still looking down and everywhere else than Brendons and Sarahs eyes. Ryan moved past Brendon and Sarah and moved into the guest room and locked the door. He sat on his bed, breathing fast, he looked inside his suitcase and found it. He took some clothes on and sat on his bed again, he hadn´t smoked weed in a while because of Shane. Shane had been right about stopping smoking, but hell who cares.

\--

It had been a while since Ryan had locked himself into his room, Brendon and Sarah was getting worried. Brendon went up to the guest room and knocked on the door, "Ryan? You in there?".. Brendon heard something getting knocked over and then the door opened to a smiing Ryan Ross. "Brendon Urie!" Ryan said smiling. "What a pleasant suprise, just come in, princess Dorothy and I was just having some coffee" Ryan moved away from the doorframe, Brendon inhaled the air and coughed abit, "Ryan is that- Weed.." Brendon grabbed Ryans shoulders and looked into his eyes, Ryans eyes where a bit red and his pupils a bit bigger than usual, differently high. "Ryan.." Ryan just smiled, "Brendon!" He giggled. Brendon sighed and walked inside the guest room and opened the window. "Ryan I thought you stopped smoking weed.." Ryan looked at Brendon "Why would? Shane kept me away from smoking, but it helps on my anxiey" Ryan said laying down on his bed blowing smoke out of his mouth. "You want some?" Ryan asked polite. "No, I dont smoke. And you wont smoke either." Brendon said grabbing the pack of weed and the one Ryans hand.

"Hey, dont be a.. nuckledick" Ryan said grabbing for the weed Brendon had taken. "Ryan you dont need the weed." Brendon arugued. "You´re acting like Shane," Ryan said mumbling low, but Brendon heard it. "Dont. Even. Compere. Him. With me!" Brendon said growling looking at Ryan. Ryan looked shocked, his walls broke and a tear ran down his cheek. Ryan quickly swiped it away and took Dottie by her leash and jumped out of the window before Brendon could act.

Ryan couldn´t see straight bc he was still high, but he ran the best he could. "Pete," Ryan said to Dottie, as if his dog could get to Petes house. He and Dottie had only been to Petes house ones, and maybe he even moved but who knows. Dottie had stopped in front of a house. He knocked on the door, and waited.

"Hello? Ryan?" Pete spkoe as he had opened the door, "Pete! Wentz!" Ryan said now smiling again. "Why are you here?" Pete asked looking around outside and dragged Ryan and Dottie inside. "I cant remember why i-Im here. Im just here! Hello!" Ryan said smiling. God Pete had gotten longer hair since last time he saw him. "Petey! Long hair! Hello!" pete looked at Ryan.. "Uhm.. Ryan are you high?" "I´m 5ft 11.. I think," Ryan said smiling, "Go get some sleep and we´ll talk in the morning.." Pete said, getting Ryan to his guest room. Ryan fell asleep immedeatly.

After Ryan had gone to sleep, went Pete to the couch and sat down taken his phone up and texted Brendon -Yo, guess who came to my house- After some minutes Brendon replied -RYAN? WAS IT R Y A N- -Geez dude, your exitement is high in the air, he´s asleep- Pete giggled a bit before hearing a knock on his door. He stood up, hopefully, this time it was the pizza guy. But oh no, it was Brendon Urie, "B, calm down, you can see him in the morning.. He was high from what I could tell and I gave his dog some food. But holy hell where tf did he come from-" Pete was shoved aside and looked at Brendon concerned, "Brendon don´t hurt him" "Close the door." was the only thing Brendon said before walking to the room where Ryan was sleeping in.

Brendon opened the door silently and looked at the peaceful Ryan sleeping, he sat down on his knees and layed his head on the bed and sobbed silently. "T-Thank god.." Brendon said between sobs. Pete came over to the room and saw Brendon cry, "Brendon.." It was a rare sight to see Brendon cry, but when you did it technically broke everyones heart. "Ryan.. h-he ran away.. He could.. have got him.. I-" Brendon sobbed, fiddeling with Ryans sleeve. "Who?" Pete said sitting down besides his friend, having a hand on his back. "Shane Morris." Brendon said. "Ryans old maneger? Oh, I get it, Shane trying to tear away you and Ryans secret relationshi-" "No!-" Brendon said, and then lowered his voice. "- Shane abused Ryan... Violating him, hurt him.. And I have a god damn wife I love" Brendon said to Pete, tears still coming down his cheeks.

"Oh jesus.. Im sorry Brendon. I didnt mean to-" Pete was at loss at words, he had been so cold towards Ryan when he left, now he felt so guilty. "Why did Ryan leave PAtD?" Pete asked, Brendon, should know right? "Shane made him leave.." "Oh god, I was an asshole" Pete looked at Ryan who was asleep. "I´ll leave you two alone, just dont do anything else than sleeping" Pete winked at Brendon while walking out of the room and closing the door. Brendon looked at Ryans face, studied close, he had some scars. Brendon took his hand over the scars, under Ryans eye. Brendon sighed and laid down on the bed and hugged Ryan close, some more tears falling. "Don´t ever run away agin.. please"

Ryan woke up at midnight or something, he felt a presence by his side and looked down and saw Brendon hugging his side, sleeping. Ryan looked around confused, bc this wasn´t Brendons house. Slowly he remembered some scenarious, him founding weed, Brendon, he ruuning away, Pete.. Was he in Petes house? "Brendon," Ryan said looking at the sleeping Brendon, god he wish he could kiss him, what. no. He was just suxually frustated, probably, he had been so sexually frustated that he had wanted to fuck Shane, the thought amde RYan shake and try to fucking get that thought out of his mind. But what the fuck should he do, he was still a raging fucking virgin and a soon to be 32 year old man. He tried to move away from Brendon. Brendon started waking up, yawning and looking at Ryans back.

"Morning RyRo." Brendon said tired sitting up. "You remember anything?" "Everything." Ryan replied simply. Ryan still didnt dare look at Brendon. "You okay Ryan? I´m sorry if I acted rude last night.." "No, it was all my fault, don´t blame yourself, blame me. Please. brendon, blame me." Ryan said looking into the pillow. "Why would I blame you?" Brendon said, turning Ryans body over so he could look him in the face. Ryan starred at Brendons face. "You just should.."

Ryan sat up, rubbing his eyes. "When does the Pray For The Witched tour again?" Ryan asked yawning, "Pray For The Wicked. Uhm.. Tomorrow we have to be at the bus packed and ready. And Today I have tO BE AT PRACTICE FUCK." Brendon said jumping to his feet and running out of the room. Ryan looked into the air before standing up, gees what was he supossed to do now? Maybe say hi to Pete. Before he even got to the kitchen he came face to face with Pete Wentz himself. "Oh, morning Pete." RYan said deleting the idea that he was gonna talk with Pete. "Ryan. Morning, why did you come to my house at Midnight. High." Pete asked. Ryan avoided eye contact and just looked at the painting behind Pete. "Uhm-... I-.. I smoked weed.." Ryan mumbled, looking down at his feet. "Where´s Dottie?" Pete looked behind him where Dottie was laying asleep. Ryan tried to walk oer to her, but Pete stopped him. "You didnt answer my questions. I got some of the story from Brendon last night when he cried besides the bed you where asleep on."

"Okay.. ehm.. He cried? Well. I drove to Brendons house for some days ago.. Then we got to be friends again, I ended up in the.. uhm.. hospital. I then found some weed and smoked it, Brendon got kinda angry, I got scared and ran to here. End." Ryan said moving past Pete and kneeled down and picked Dottie up in his arms. "How did you end up in the hospital?" "ehm.. Sha- Self harm. Bye, catch you later." Ryan said as he walked out of the front door. Ryan ran to Brendons house and found that Brendons car was gone, guess he and Sarah was gonna be home alone. As Ryan walked over and knocked on the door he nooticed that the flower pot was knocked over. He went and picked it up and noticed the extra key. They had to be kidding, that was the dumbest hiding place ever for a key. He picked that key up and slipped it in his pocket. Sarah had opened the door, "Oh hello Ryan. Want some coffee?" Sarah said looking down at Ryan. "No thank you, Sarah." Ryan stood up and smiled at Sarah. She was beautiful really, Brendon was lucky.

Ryan got inside and looked around. "Soo.." Ryan started but Sarah talked over him. "Brendon really cares about you.. Why would you run away? He just left with tears in his eyes last night." Ryan looked into Sarahs blue eyes. "I.. I got scared.. I thought he´d hit me." Ryan said looking at the blank television. "Brendon wouldn´t hit anybody in a lifetime... Okaythatsmaybenotsotrue. But you know he´d never hit you. His best friend." "That." Ryan said looking at Sarah. "We aren´t best friends. Not anymore, I ignored him for years. Because I didn´t get a chance to be his best friend again. Now we´re literally just strangers. Maybe a bit friends, but uh- we never really where that close. We where never best friends. Just old bandmates." "Is the Sun and Moon theory right?" Sarah asked, no rage behind her eyes. She was just incredable, "The.. The sun and moon theory?" Ryan asked dumbly. "Well he was just hanging around, Then he fell in love, And he didn't know how, But he couldn't get out, Just hanging around, Then he fell in love" Sarah quoted from memory. "Did you love him?" Sarah asked still no rage. "I did." Ryan answered honestly. "But then I became to distant. I became a stranger to everyone, mostly myself. I didn´t have time for feelings. He´s gorgeous yes. But I wouldn´t be together with him, he has a beautiful wife and he´s happy." Ryan said smiling a bit, looking down. "If you had the chance to be together with him, would you take it?" Sarah asked. "Uhm- w-what. " Ryan asked stunned, his smile disappeared. "You can´t focus on something that´s not there. Focus on the present, not the past or the future."

"But the past is hunting you Ryan." Sarah said, Ryan, looked up in her eyes. A sudden moment of flashbacks ran through his mind. "no.." Ryan said, looking distant. "It wont. You- don´t know." Ryan said, his voice shaking. "It´s okay Ryan." Sarah hugged him, Ryan hugged her back. "You´re so nice to me.. why?" Ryan asked, tears falling down his cheeks. "Because you´re nice. You make Brendon happy, you make me happy. I´m glad I met you, because you deserve so much love." Sarah said, on the edge of crying to. Sarah was that kind a person that just cried when she knew others where sad.

"thank you.." Ryan said, pulling away and drying his eyes. "You better get packing," Sarah said, pulling away too. Ryan smiled at Sarah, god why was she so perfect? "Yes.. Tho I didnt bring that much here to begin with." Ryan said looking away from Sarah. Ryan walked into the guest room.

Brendon returned at evening walking directly into his music studio. Ryan had been searching for his weed, but of course, Brendon had thrown it away. Ryan walked into the living room where he found his phone, dead on the coffee table. He picked it up and sat it to charge. After some minutes he could start it. He first saw 33 new messages and 12 new missed phone calls and 99+ new nofications. He had never really been the type to be on the internet a lot. He opened up Instagram and saw the same comments that almost always was on his post´s

_-Can you like, come back?! I miss you :(-_

_-I LOVE YOU, POST SMTH PLEASE-_

_-Ryan was kneeling in the bathtub..-_

_-Please come back to Panic!, do you even still talk to Brenon or the other members?-_

Sometimes these comments confused him, Ryan was kneeling in the bathtub..? He surely didn´t wan´t to know _what the fuck_ that was. He really didn´t know what to search for on his phone, so he opened up Youtube and searched Panic! At The Disco. Okay so one of the top results was their  _It´s almost halloween_  Music video? That was surely a suprise, _Northern Downpour_ was up their too, and some kind of Demon looking music video that was called _Emperors New Clothes_. Hey, and Nine was there too! Ryan looked at the music video where Brendon was dressed in a suit, maybe he should click on it. He clicked and watched some news woman say something about a key, some theives showed and Brendon had the key and god what the- Ryan paused the videoa nd took in what he had witnessed. Brendon had just killed a man with a potatoe, what even- He hated violence and this was just. Blood. That was enough internet for today Ryan decided and laid his phone down on the coffee table. Didn´t even bother texting someone. He went and petted Dottie and cuddled with her in the guest room.

_Ryan woke up because someone was screaming. He stood up and looked around, wierdly, it was quite foggy. He stepped outside of the room, "Sarah? Brendon?" He looked back and found DOttie missing, "DOTTIE?? He yelled but then fell silence when the screaming still happened. He walked, kinda felt like sliding into the living room and fond Z-Berg standing covered in blood, "Z!"Ryan said moving towards her, he looked around and heard a laughter, he looked back at where Z should have been but instead found Shane standing with a potatoe in his hand. He backed up against a wall. "Shane. Please." Ryan begged. Shane turned into his father and he felt himself grow smaller. "Dad.. Don´t." His dad slapped him and he fell to the ground, he felt his dad kick him, "Your mum left because of YOU" His dad spitted at him. "No.. no.," Ryan said in a small voice, he felt himself dying, loosing blood. He looked up and saw Shanes face. "Go die in a hole Ryan. Ryan."_

"Ryan!" Brendon said louder tickling Ryan who was now awake. Ryan looked at Brendon, teared up and rolled around and cried into his pillow. "Ry?" Brendon said looking at his crying face, "Nightmare?" Brendon sat down on the bed fiddeling with Ryans shirt for a moement before stopping, really trying to sit still. Ryan just nodded into his pillow and Brendon went and picked his taller friend up, t r y i n g, he made Ryan sit in his lap. "Tell me about it."

"So, what I´m hearing is that both Shane and your dad hated you, and were both abusing." "y-yes.." Ryan said having his head on Brendons shoulder, hugging him close. "They´re not here right now. But you mentioned that Shane had a potatoe in his hand?" Brendon asked, still confused about the Potatoe. "U-Uhm.. I-I maybe saw that... Amen Video before heading to get a nap.." "Say Amen? Oh.. OH The potatoe! Y´know people where comenting #StopPotatoeAbuse or smth for months!" Brendon smiled. Ryan smiled a bit too. "I guess I-Im sensitive over for blood and violence." Ryan said. "That´s fine.. To be scared y´know. Everyones scared of something." Brendon said low into Ryans ear. "It´s gonna get better" Ryan closed his eyes, "Promise?" He whispered. Brendon knew he couldn´t promise this, but right now he just needed Ryan to trust him. "Promise."


	2. Apprently a series now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Working...

  
"You sure you have everything?" Sarah asked Brendon standing in the doorframe. "Yes, see you!" Brendon pecked Sarah on the lips and smiled. "Now remember to take care of the dogs" "And you remember to take care of yourself." Sarah smiles. Brendon pecked Sarah's cheek again before heading towards the tour bus where Ryan was in. Ryan looked out of the window and saw Brendon come towards the bus, he felt like it was only yesterday he left the band. Only yesterday he had looked in Brendon's eyes and said the words that broke his own heart as much as it had hurt Brendon. "Ryan." Ryan looked up and into Zacks' eyes. "H-Hey Z-Zack.." "Why are you here. Brendon didn´t say you came too." Zack said coldly. Ryan felt like he wasn´t welcome and stood up. "E-ehm... I-I´ll leave t-then.." Ryan said and looked away from Zacks gaze and moved over to the exit, but he just came face to face with Brendon. "Where are you going, Ryan?" Brendon asked Ryan, Brendon looked at Zack. "Did you scare him away Zack? Ryan is with me." Brendon said looked directly at Zack with a glint in his eyes.

"Calm down Bren, not trying to hurt him." Zack huffed and left into the other room in the bus. Brendon turned around to Ryan, Ryan was looking down hiding his hands in that PFTW hoodie. "Hey Ry, you´re welcome here, don´t think about Zack." Brendon smiled at Ryan. Ryan nodded and headed into the bunks. He looked around and saw an empty bunk and crawled up into it, he already missed Dottie. He felt as if he wasn´t safe anymore, so he checked the time on his phone. _-12:03-_. He yawned and laid down on the bed. Ryan closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep. He heard voices talking low, almost if they were sharing a secret, Ryan listened closely and could make some words out, _".. Ryan.. yea.. oh.. No... Don´t even... Tomorrow.._ " Where they talking about him? He felt like a child, he was an adult on 31 soon 32 in August. He didn´t need caretakers, he felt himself get angry and hid his face in the pillow. He wanted to scream, usually, he just played on his guitar when he was angry, but now he was emptyhanded. He took the bright technology up and saw a lot of messages from Shane, he decided to ignore them and got into Youtube again, he needed music he could relax to. If only he still had his iPod where all his favorite songs where on. In his recommended where some very weird videos and he just searched up Panic! At The Disco again and scrolled down. Live In Denver..? That was- a long time ago.

Ryan searched his own name on Youtube, of course, his Youtube mix came up, under that was a video called _-Ryan Ross, Past & Present-_ probably some boring clips of himself. He wasn´t that selfish to watch himself. Oof, there was a video of his vines with an ugly picture of himself with a wig on. He saw a video that caught his attention. _-Brendon Urie HATES Ryan Ross.-_ He clicked on it and began to watch _. -´´Who was the best member of US pop/punk Panic At The Disco´´-_ Ryan saw a selfish joking smirk Brendon made and heard the other guy in a beanie response _-´´.. R-Ryan Ross?´´-_ The guy in the beanie said nervously. Ryan smiled a bit, he always thought that everyone would choose Brendon over him. The start of Northern Downpour started and clips of him and Brendon was shown. He smiled at the memories. As he scrolled down he regretted his choice more and more _-BRENDON URIE AND RYAN ROSS <3 a neverending_ _love story.... (RYDEN)-_ Why even. _-emos pour milk on themselves for Ryan Ross-_ w-why would people pour milk on themselves??? Ryan looked down a bit more. _-Northern Downpour P!ATD (live in Bush Hall)-_ That was something he hadn´t seen. Ryan clicked on the video, he had forgotten to plug his headphones in so the sound could be heard. This was in 2011. Brendon started to talk. Wait, Brendon cried when he played the song? ".. hey moon don´t you go down.." Ryan sung low to himself. "I know the world´s a broken bone, but melt your headaches call it home" Ryan smiled, he had told Brendon to remember that quote each time he sang the song. Brendon in the video said ´´God I´m sad´´ after he had sung that line. Why was he sad, it was one of his favorite song he had written.

Brendon heard a familiar song and walked towards the sound. Was that..? Brendon listened. Yes, it was, "Ryan?" Brendon asked, the music stopped and a curtain moved aside revealing Ryan, "Yeah?" Ryan asked. "I-" Brendon didn´t know what to say, he just didn´t want to hear the song, it pained him. The song brought memories of the old days, days without Jon and Ryan. Brendon shook his head looking down and smiled. "Nothing.." Brendon was on the way out of the bunker room. "Why where you sad?" Ryan asked in an innocent voice. Brendon looked back at Ryan "What?" "You said, God, I´m sad in the Bush Hall show in the song Northern Downpour. Why?" Ryan stood up out of the bed, slightly taller than Brendon. Brendon looked at Ryan. "I was just sad." Brendon answered. ".. Oh.. Also.. Did you know why the heck people are pouring milk over themselves for me?" Brendon looked at Ryan puzzled, "Milk? Oh, shit milk. no god no. don't even. stop." Brendon said and practically ran away from Ryan. "What the heck," Ryan said to himself, watching Brendon run away.

A girl walked into the bunk room, "Hello... Do I know you- omg Ryan Ross! Hi, I´m Nicole!" Nicole shook Ryans hand, smiling. "H-Hey Nicole... U-Uhm Bass?" Ryan asked looking at Nicole. Her eyes light up. "yes, how did you know? Anyways! You´re gonna meet the others!" Nicole had still a hold on Ryans hand, so he just followed her. He saw some people sit around tables on their phone. "So you obviously know Brendon and Zack and me. There's Dan, Kenneth, Jesse, Erm, Chris, Kiara, Leah, and Desiree!" Nicole said happily. The people looked up at Ryan, Ryan was still holding Nicole's hand, or more like Nicole was holding his hand. "E-Ehm... Hi.." He said. "Ryan Ross?" Jesse asked. "Finally able to meet you! I play saxophone in the band!" He shook Jesse's hand. "N-Nice to meet you too.." "Kenneth Harris. Guitar" Said Kenneth and shook Ryans hand coldly. Harris sounded a lot like- No. Just don´t even. Ryan shook Kenneth's hand as well a bit scared. "Yeah, look at you Ryan. Hiding from your true self. Douchebag." Zack said coldly. Ryan felt himself dig deeper down into his grave. Brendon kicked Zacks leg under the table while playing Fortnite on his phone. "W-Why do you hate me, Zack.." Ryan asked Zack, looking down, feeling so small and tiny. Too small to look up. "Because you´re a dick on Twitter and no one fucking cares, but ME!" Zack said, standing up. Ryan took a step back, he felt Nicole's hand tighten on his hand, he looked towards Nicole and saw her stand between him and Zack. "leave Ryan alone Zack. He hasn´t done shit but make this amazing band that we all enjoy. So shut up and just walk away will you." Nicole snapped. Nicole had pulled Ryan into a hug.

Zack stomped away furious. Brendon got up and walked towards Ryan and Nicole. Everyone was silent, "Zack aren´t like that every day." Brendon tried to comfort Ryan. Ryan just looked down, holding tight around Nicole, he missed Z. She had always comforted him. "He will act like that tho.. towards me." He let the hug go and Nicole finally let go of Ryans hand walking away. "Hey, Ryan." Brendon said low so the others wouldn´t hear. ".. I´m sorry. Like really sorry for Zack. I´ll kick his ass next time he decides to mess with you." Brendon smiled. Ryan looked into Brendon's eyes, felt relaxed. "You´re too sweet Brendon. Why?" Ryan asked low. Brendon pulled Ryan close to him and whispered into his ear. "Because I care about you, Ryan Ross." Ryan blushed a bit and tried to make it go away. Ryan looked down. "Hey don´t be sad." Brendon lifted Ryans' chin and looked into his eyes. "Please forget to fall down," Brendon smirked and pecked his cheek before walking over and sitting down again. Ryan looked down, confused. Ryan walked over and sat down as well.

"I.. I uhm.. Saw the sun and the moon on the new logo.. pretty neato.." Ryan said gulping, fiddling with his sleeves. "Yea, y´know how I- We love to write songs about the sun and the moon. You know. Lonely Moonlight. When the Day met the Night. Stall Me. The Ballad of Mona Lisa." Brendon said tweeting something. Ryan took his phone up, he was a curious boy and searched up _-Ryan Ross Milk_ \- He crossed his eyes. "Ehm what´s a fic?" Dan snorted. Brendon looked up from his phone. "W-What did you say?" "What´s the milk fic? I tried to search up Ryan Ross milk because you didn´t give me an answer." He clicked on the top result. "ryAN NO" Brendon said and slapped Ryans phone out of his hand. "What the fuck Bden. I'm an adult I can take care of things myself. I´m gonna see what it is because I can." Ryan moved over and picked up his phone. "okaY. Okay. I´ll tell you!" Brendon said. Half of the people disappeared from the room looking terrified. "Let´s have. The talk." Brendon said taking his glasses on. Ryan sat down over for Brendon. "I feel like a 10-year-old finding out about Sex. C´mon man." Ryan huffed. "You see." Brendon started. "There are fans. Who likes to fantasize about a fictional ship." "Ships? Boats?" Ryan asked confused. "Ships are. Ships are a romantic relationship between two people, real or not, that the fan think is cute together. So fans makes FanFictions about their favorite ship." Brendon said, looking nervous. "So what´s the milk fic. It sounds important and people keep spamming me with something about me kneeling in the bathtub and it´s from the Milk Fic." Ryan asked looking into Brendon's eyes.

"Yes. You see. Milk. It´s gross. You shouldn´t even hear about this but then you´ll read it for yourself and regret that you have even come to my house. My god. Ehm, so. There´s a ship.. between... us." Brendon said looking dead serious into Ryans eyes. "And? It´s not real." Ryan said like it was obvious. "A pedophile `fan´ wrote the Milk Fic. Where... I´m gonna vomit. Urgh." Brendon said looking around helplessly. "WhereItakeMilkUpYourAssAndFuckYou" Brendon held a fist to his mouth, feeling like he was gonna vomit. Brendon then ran to the small bathroom and vomited down the toilet. Ryan looked down, taken the new information in. Oh dear god no.

"What happened? Just saw Brendon run to the bathroom looking sick, he can't be sick today." Nicole asked looking at Ryan. "Ryan?" she asked. Ryan looked terrified. "Ryan? You okay?" "No.. W-why... " "Milk," Dan said from his corner with headphones in. Nicole looked at Dan and then back at Ryan. "Oh god, hon." Nicole got in front of Ryan. "It´s all fictional. It´s gross, just forget about it. ZACK GO CHECK ON B" Nicole yelled over her shoulder. "God, why am I the only one taking action here?" Nicole hugged Ryan and pulled away, "You want something to drink? Water?" Nicole said already up and walking towards the fridge and took a water bottle up. She went back and gave it to Ryan. "Why would someone write something like that- why.. Why does fanfiction exists..?" Ryan asked.

"Look, not every fanfiction is like that, I promise." Nicole said. Ryan just nodded and drank his water, "Do.. uhm.. Do you have an aucoustic guitar laying around somewhere?" Nicole just nodded. "Yep, I bet Kenny has one with him, ask him." Ryan looked over at Kenneth. "In the bunker under thy, there I have lai´n my beauty, thus thy may borrow." Kenny said down into his book. "Sorry he´s like that when he read shakespeare," Nicole said. Ryan just headed towards the room and opened the curtain and found a guitar case and found the guitar. He walked towards the sofa room in the back and found Brendon, Zack, Jesse, Erm, and Chris. He just sat down in the corner, Brendon just ignored his gaze and sat against Zack. The others were either listening to music or half asleep. Ryan strummed the guitar getting a few glares from Brendon, Erm, and Zack. He just tried to ignore them and played a song of him he never really posted. He also never showed it to Shane, bc then he´d probably post it.

Ryan sang some of the words to himself, regretting he didn't take his notepad in here with him. Brendon was listening to the guitar Ryan played, still amazed by Ryans skill, smiling. Ryan was looking outside of the bus window while playing. He suddenly played a different song, Brendon shot his eyes up at Ryans guitar like it had just killed his dogs. Brendon took a breath and looked down in his phone while singing low, Zack had drifted off to sleep like the others in the room.

" And then she said she can't believe, Genius only comes along, In storms of fabled foreign tongues, Tripping eyes, and flooded lungs, Northern downpour sends its love" Brendon looked up at Ryan, who was looking back at him. "Hey moon, please forget to fall down Brendon said low, "Hey moon, don't you go down, Sugarcane in the easy mornin', Weather-vanes my one and lonely" Ryan was singing with Brendon. Brendon smiled and looked at Ryan again. They sang the song finished, then everything got awkward again. Ryan played some more songs before they arrived at the first place that Panic! was gonna play at.

\--

"Hayley´s here! Hide Ryan so she doesn´t get a heart attack!!" Nicole said into the room with the sleeping people. Ryan looked up at Nicole, "Uhm-... Hayley?" Brendon got up and walked towards the exit "I should go greet her so she doesn´t come on the bus" Brendon disappeared, as Ryan also got up. Nicole had awoken the band and was also gone in a rush. "Hey you should bodyguard Ryan so he doesn´t get attention or recognized when you guys walk to the dressing room," Nicole said through the bus to Zack. Zack just sighed and got up. Ryan turned towards Zack, "Look... Zack-... I don´t know what I did.. B-But I´m sorry.." Zack looked at Ryan. Zacks oh so cold face got a little softer. "Ryan... It´s just. Brendon and Spencer were broken when you guys left. It broke Brendon and he refused to talk to people and refused to write anything in months. It broke ME to see him that sad. I just don't want you to hurt him again.. " Zack pulled Ryan into a hug and Ryan hugged him back. Ryan didn´t know what to say, so Zack just got out of the room and towards the exit. "Take the hood over your head and take some sunglasses on," Zack said to Ryan, Ryan just nodded and pulled the hood over his head. He found some black sunglasses and got outside, looking down. He walking in the middle of Erm and Zack. Fans were screaming something, asking for photos and took photos as well.

As Ryan got inside and took the hood off he heard a squeal and thought it was a fan who had sneaked in but found a blonde girl who could look like a fan if she hadn´t had that PFTW pass on her side and Brendon wasn´t looking entertained. "RyA n Ro S S!" The girl fucking screamed. "W-Who are.. you? Wait... Are you Hayley?" Ryan asked he thought Hayley was on the way of fainting. "She´s a big fan, give her a moment to breathe and fangirl." Brendon said smiling at Ryan. "oh mAH- ARH!- I LOVE YOU!" Hayley jumped on the spot which made Ryan smile. "C-C.." Hayley breathed low and tried to look like a serious celebrity, but she still smiled like crazy. "Can I get a photo with please- I mean you, please?" Hayley said blushing of embarrassment. "Sure.." Ryan looked towards Brendon giving him the please-help-me eyes. Brendon shrugged and fucking walked off. He took the picture with Hayley, after that she walked with him towards the Panic! room. "So where have you been hiding Ryro?" Ryan looked down. "Ehm.. nothing special... just.. with someone.." Ryan answered her. "With Brendon? How can he had hidden you for so long- oh wait? You were playing hide and seek and then no one found you!" Hayley said joking. Ryan laughed a bit forced. "Uhmm... noo... It was with... Uhm- Shane Morris." Ryan said looking down. "Shane Morris... SHANE MORRIS, NO WAY-" She took Ryans arms and he was confused for a second before she pulled the sleeve up revealing writing in his arm with a knife and several cuts. Hayley's fangirl expression was gone now "Did he do this or you?" She asked before he got pulled inside the Panic! room by a hand. He fell towards a wall because he had lost balance.

"Ah- potatoes.." Ryan said under his breath, opening his eyes and saw Brendon looking at him, he had been the one to pull him in. "Why did you do that-" Ryan said but before he got an answer, Brendon got closer to him. Ryans breath hitched as he just starred at Brendon. Brendon took Ryans exposed arm up and looked at it. "Fault. POS. I guess that's Piece of shit. Unloved. Fag. Slut. Whore. Did you do this to yourself, Ryan? Or was it Shane." Brendon said, looking hurt. "He did, I swear he did. I'd never hurt myself like that. " Brendon hugged Ryan close. "Why did he do that. " Brendon asked. "Uhmm... He hated me. Said it was my fault that my mom left.. just like my dad said my mom left bc of me too. I can't hold a relationship because I'm afraid Shane will hurt them too." Ryan said low, hiding his face on Brendon's shoulder. Ryan turned towards the blitz light coming from his side a bit away from. Brendon noticed too and saw Hayley, "Don't you dare post that Hayley. No one knows he's here except for the band members and me and you now." Brendon said stiffly, Hayley just obeyed and said it was for her secret scrapbook.

Brendon looked at Ryan before pulling away from the hug and towards the scene. Ryan looked around the dressing room and saw Brendon's bag. Something had fallen out of it, Ryan walked over to the bag and picked it up, realizing it was a notebook of some sort, it looked old like 2000s old. Ryan looked around and sat down on the ground and opened the first side, just some notes. Then he saw the date in the corner _-6/8/2003-_ He carefully flipped the sides and saw some text that he stopped to read, he didn't know why he suddenly stopped here. Ryan read through it and read it again,

**. So Brendon here. Again. I feel like a middle-school girl writing in my notebook my mom gave me. Well**  
**We just finished recording the Pretty. Odd. album. Amazing!**  
**Well. Ryan said I should remember the line 'I know the world's a broken bone, But melt your headaches, call it home´?**  
**Ryans weird like that sometimes, I like that about him.**  
**I've noticed things about my bandmates lately, Jon likes to talk himself to sleep, Spencer likes to drum on everything he can.**  
**And Ryan likes to go into full writing mode, starring at me sometimes. Looking deeply into his cup of tea like he can find answers down there.**  
**Ryan is amazing, I hope we grow old together, laughing, having our beautiful wives and starring at the stars and galaxy together.**  
**Is Ryan my best friend? I hope so!**  
**Also, people keep spamming me about how the Denver show was amazing! I liked Denver too!**  
**I hope I can keep doing this until I lose my voice!**  
**I went from a fan to the lead singer! How amazing is that?**  
**Me signing off, B. -2/7/2008-**

Ryan just stared at it. He heard footsteps and stood up and put the notebook into the bag and walked over to the couch. "Coming to check out the stage?" Brendon said leaning against the doorframe. Ryan looked at Brendon, this Brendon he had missed years of looking at. "Y-yea.." Brendon turned around when Ryan spoke again. "We were best friends back then, right?" Brendon turned around and saw the brown eyes, "We where.. We are?" Brendon kinda asked. Ryan just nodded and walked towards Brendon, "Yea." Ryan petted Brendon's shoulder and walked past him. "Hey don´t just shoulder pet me" "I just did!" Ryan said already at the door to the scene. Brendon ran up to Ryan and picked him up in bridal style. "For god's sake put me down Brendon Boyd Urie," Ryan said giggling, "I won't, George Ryan Ross the Third. Your name sounds like its royal that's not fair." Brendon said pouting, walking through the open door and walked up on stage. He saw Hayley snap another picture of them before running off.

"I'm no prince tho" Ryan said smiling, "To me, and everyone else you are," Brendon said. Ryan blushed a bit and hid his face in the hoodie. He got sat down on the stage, Ryan looked around at the empty floor and seats in front of the stage. "It´s big.," Ryan said under his breath. He looked down and saw the triangle, "that´s cool." He walked over to the circle with the moon on it and looked at the other two circles. "Yeah! Isn´t it!" Brendon said. He ran around the stage. Ryan giggled at his energetic friend. "So we also kinda have a party tomorrow night!" Brendon said to Ryan, standing on the circle with the sun in it. "Sarah will come to it! ANd then drive home again, ain´t she amazing?" Brendon said smiling, Ryan just looked in Brendon's direction "She is!" He smiled and ran towards the circle with the eye in it, Brendon had the same idea and tried to run faster than Ryan he succeeded and Ryan bumped into Brendon. They both fell to the floor laughing. "God, I have missed you Ryro," Brendon said still on the floor. "I´ve missed you too Bden. DidYouKnowImAVirgenKinda" "Pardon, What?" "What?" Ryan said looking up into the ceiling innocently. "Did you- nevermind, wanna go grab some water?" Ryan just nodded and followed Brendon.

It was now, Ryan heard the screaming from the thousands of fans, he knew he wouldn´t see them but he still feared someone saw him. What about those VIPs who could come backstage? Ryan was anxious yes. Why wouldn´t he be? Brendon came over to Ryan, dressed in a suit with his hair styled more. "You gonna be okay?" He asked Ryan. Ryan just nodded holding tight onto the water bottle. If the fans posted a picture of him on the PATD tour he´d get found easier by Shane. Shane could be anywhere right now. Ryan looked around, his palms sweaty. he needed air, but if he went outside he would get recognized. Ryan went into panic mode and stood up not knowing what to do.

His mind was foggy and he didn't know what he was doing, suddenly there was a bump, he had dropped his phone, and now he heard another bump. Oh, he had fallen, oh well. He saw the black dots coming and took over his sight. He heard some faint voices and then blacked out. Zack was storming into the room and saw Ryan blacked out, hit the edge of the table and just unconscious. There were some other men that also had to check that everything was fine, Zack kneeled beside Ryan and picked him up in his arms. He laid Ryans body down on the couch, he looked around at the other men around Ryan. "He might have had a panic attack." Zack looked at Ryan. There was still like 45 min left til the show was over. A man came into the room with an icepack and some bandages. Zack took the ice-pack and put it over the place where Ryan had hit the table.

Brendon came to the dressing room, wierd, he thought. Zack would always walk back to the dressing room with him. He heard Zacks voice inside the room. "Zack?" Brendon said as he entered. "Calm down Zack, he´ll wake up- oh hey Brendon." One of the men backstage said and then left the dressing room. Zack was sitting down beside.. "Ryan? What happened to him?" Brendon asked Zack as he rushed over and sat down besides Ryan and looked at his face. "He had a panic attack, fell and hit his head on the edge of the table. " Zack said standing up. "Everythings good in here- Dear god Ryan!" Nicle said seeing Ryan laying on the couch still unconcious. Brendon looked at the place where Ryan had hit his head, "When did he hit his head?" Zack just said "Ehm.. 10 min after the show had started, he´ll wake up.." "Why arent he in the hospital?" Brendon said shaking. "Brendon calm down he´ll wake up-" and as the angels had called Ryan opened his eyes slowly.

"Ryan!" Nicole said shoving Brendon away soft. "Hey, Ryan. You remember anything?" Ryan just looked at Nicole for some minutes and then he remembered the panic attack. "Ehm... yea... my head hurts.." Ryan said and looked around at Zack and Brendon. "thank christ you're okay, I think Brendon would have began to pray if you didn't wake up." Zack said nodding in Brendons direction. Brendon just moved over besides Nicole and held Ryans hand, "Why did you have a panic attack, Ry?" He asked worried. "Ehm.. I was scared Shane would find me... And I wanted air, but then I remembered that I could get regonised. Ehm.. And the room got smaller and smaller and I felt trapped and then I cant remember any more.." Ryan said sitting up. He squeezed Brendon's hand ones and let go of his hand.


	3. The downfall of Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, I'm editing these quickly, I'll upload some later someday, (hopefully tomorrow)

Ryan was honestly nervous, he had taken his black button up with a rose on the side on, and he had taken a mask on from their music video _But it´s better if you do_ video. He had got to keep it and hid it well from Shane. It only hid half his face but no one could remember how his mouth and nose looked like right? He had taken some blue cosplay lenses in so he was more hidden, he normally took them in when Shane wanted to go to a party with Ryan. Shane went to parties with him before he got abusive physically. He was outside of the building on the way inside where he heard music and voices. Ryan looked at Brendon, he had taken a very handsome set on. "Ready?" Brendon asked Ryan, he looked into the fake blue eyes. Ryan just nodded and looked forward and walked inside. Brendon followed him close, he didn´t wanna lose sight of Ryan. "We´re gonna find Sarah and then the bar," Brendon said.

Ryan looked around at the different celebrities. Ryan followed Brendon around, seeing some eyes he had seen before. Gabe Saporta. He quickly turned towards Brendon's back and followed him, Brendon had held his hand so he didn´t get lost, what he wasn´t 5 anymore but he felt relaxed that Brendon held his hand. Brendon had stopped, "Hello?" Sarah asked Ryan, "It´s Ryan, Sarah," Brendon said smiling, pecking Sarah's lips. "Oh! Ryan! Great hiding costume!" Ryan smiled. "Thank you, you look lovely" Sarah smiled. "Well, let's get to the bar and get us some drinks!"

They had gotten their drinks and Ryan was walking around alone, some people looked weird at Ryan because they didn´t recognize him but other than that people didn´t talk to him, "Hey" Ryan heard a male voice, Ryan turned around and came face to face with Gabe, or not face to face because Gabe was taller than him. "What´s your name?" Gabe asked polite, "I-.." Gabe would probably recognize his voice so he just shut his mouth. "Not talkative? Why the mask? Too famous?" Gabe joked, Ryan just shook his head, "Your lips and jawline remind me of someone.. but your eyes are blue, huh." Gabe spoke. "Wan´ go grab a drink?" Ryan nodded and followed Gabe, he got some looks but ignored them. "Saw you come with Panic! Good friends with them?" Ryan shrugged and drank from his beer that was almost empty.

Gabe ordered two beers and looked up and down Ryan. Ryan had covered his scars on his arms with makeup, he´d done the same with his tattoos. Ryan drank from his beer and looked at Gabe, Gabe hadn´t changed most he could see. He was still handsome, Ryan wishes he could have been that handsome. "I know you won't talk stranger, but what is your name?" Ryan just starred at Gabe, "Write it down on this napkin" Gabe said and took a pen up for his inner pocket. Ryan took the pen with hesitation, Ryan looked at the napkin and just wrote _-George-_ on it, he was at least okay honest about that, it was his name, he just didn´t go by it. "George? Well, I´m Gabe" Gabe smiled at Ryan.

Ryan hadn´t seen the sight of Brendon for a while, he saw Nicole dance with a guy and Dan drinking his beer before entering the bathroom. Gabe had gotten quite drunk and was getting close to Ryan. Ryan wasn´t that drunk, only 4 beers. "Soooo... Wan´ make out?" Gabe slurred at Ryan, "Wh-" Ryan said, shutting himself down. Gabe just took that as a yes and kissed Ryan having his hand behind Ryans head. Gabe had also taken Ryan's mask up so he could kiss him better. Ryan was kinda freaking out, but soon melted into the kiss and kissed Gabe back. He hadn´t kissed in years, it was kinda weird. Ryan got lost in the kiss and soon Gabe had dragged him out into the bathroom. Things escalated quickly. cough.

Ryan had just been fucked, like for real. His virginity gone. He felt more mature, or not really, he was still quite drunk. He heard the people outside of the bathroom go quiet all of a sudden. Gabe had just put his clothes back on and was holding Ryans hand, Ryan had taken his mask back on and was on his way out when he heard a familiar voice.

" _I´LL SHOOT HER IF GEORGE RYAN ROSS THE THIRD DOESNT COME OVER TO ME RIGHT NOW AND GETS HIS ASS HOME!_ " Ryan gulped and was suddenly soberer, he peeked outside and saw Shane holding a gun to Sarah's head, she was crying, so was Brendon. Noone could do anything. Ryan went silently out with Gabe. Gabe had also sobered up. "Shane let Sarah go, Ryan isn't here." Brendon lied trying to step closer to Shane, Shane shot down in the ground as a warning. Brendon just stood still then as tears streamed down his face. Ryan couldn't let Sarah get shot, it'd be on his soul if he let him shoot Sarah. He left Gabe and moved over to Brendon while taking his blue contacts out and threw them on the ground. Brendon looked behind him as Ryan smeared the makeup off of his arms to reveal the tattoos. "Ryan... Ryan what are you doing" Brendon whispered to Ryan.

"I'm here." Ryan said and he took his mask off, "Let Sarah go now." Shane looked at Ryan and smirked, "Now that´s a good boy. Get over here and give Shane a hug." Shane said cold. Ryan was afraid, of course, he was, he had escaped and now he had to go back. People were whispering and shocked that Ryan Ross, the one that no one had heard from in ages was here among them. "Ryan, please don't-" Sarah pleaded Ryan, "I am not going to let him shoot you, Sarah. I made this mess by coming here... " Brendon was behind Ryan now. "Ryan. If we just call the police- I bet they are already on their way, someone must have called them out of shock.." Brendon whispered to Ryan, "no... Brendon.." Ryan shook his head, Ryan walked over to Shane, "Noone call the cops." Ryan said clear out to the people, Shane let go of Sarah harsh so she landed on the floor, Ryan could only look as a tear ran down his cheek.

 _"RYAN PLEASE DONT GO WITH HIM"_ Ryan turned his head and smiled at Gabe, "Take care you all" Ryan said to them all, "How wholesome" Shane said sarcastically and punched Ryan in the side of his head so he got knocked out. Some people screamed and people had already run out of the party. _"YOU SON OF A BITCH-"_ Brendon yelled, Shane had Ryan over his shoulder and ran out of the party with his gun in his hand. Brendon had fallen to the floor, Sarah was beside him, Brendon then stood up and ran out, full with rage. He saw a car drive away, Brendon saw the car Zack was in because Zack got bored at the party and rather wanted to stay in the car, Brendon jumped inside the car and screamed _"FOLLOW THAT BLACK CAR!"_ and pointed at the car, Zack was startled but did what he wanted to.

They had followed the car for a good while until they lost sight of it, Brendon had tried to focus on it. He had frustrated hid his face in his arms and screamed, he just lost a long lost friend and now he couldn't even save him. He had a show tomorrow, he had a show after tomorrow. He wishes Shane never had existed, so Ryan could still be in the band, he could laugh with Ryan, hang out with him. Grow old with him, Ryan could maybe even have kept Z and been happy. Now he was trapped. Gabe. He had seen Ryan with Gabe Saporta.

As Brendon reached the party again, he saw the party had died. People were still inside but the air was so thick you could choke on it. Brendon walked in uncomfortably, he saw Gabe sit on a bar chair alone and he had cried. "Hey, Gabe.." "I was too drunk to notice it was him.. I am still drunk.." Gabe mumbled low. "Hey, It's fine, Gabe. What did Ryan say or do?" Brendon asked low having a hand on Gabe's shoulder. "He-... He didn't talk, so he wrote his name... uhm. _George_. I should have noticed when I fucked him.." Brendon chocked on the air, "I- I didn't need to now that." Gabe just looked down, "Mr. Urie? May I talk to you?" A voice said behind Brendon, he turned around and saw a police officer. "Yes.." Brendon and the police officer walked outside, he saw Sarah talking to some other girls.

"So.. As we heard from your wife, you have kept Mr. Ross hidden for some weeks. She said he ran away?" The policewoman said to Brendon, "Yes. Well, Ryan came to my house... Crying, he..- I-... Oh fuck it, he is being abused by his former manager Shane Morris and has eating disorders. I've made him eat while he was with me, I've kept an eye on him, but then this party-" "Thank you. Do you know where Mr. Ross live?" "No.," Brendon said looking down. "Well thank you Mr. Urie." The policewoman walked inside again as Brendon took his phone out, his feed was blowing up on Twitter, Breaking news and celebrities was tweeting about Ryan Ross.

_- **BREAKING NEWS:** Ryan Ross came back and then got kidnapped??!!-_

_- **Ryan Ross** got kidnapped by **Shane Morris** -_

_-PANIC AT THE DISCOs **RYAN ROSS** IS ALIVE-_

_- **Shane Morris** is still here, **Ryan Ross** got kidnapped by him. If you see **Shane Morris** or **Ryan Ross** call the police. Thanks-_

And there was a lot more of that kind, his comments on his latest post were blowing up with _´DID YOU KNOW ABOUT RYAN´_ he honestly didn´t wanna answer the question, It still hurt to even think about Ryan and how he couldn´t save him. "Hey B.." Sarah said, Brendon, pocketed his phone and looked up at Sarah, "Hey.." "Here is the mask Ryan wore tonight. I thought you might want to keep it." Brendon looked at the mask and then back at Sarah and hugged her close, some tears were rolling down his cheeks, "I wish I could have saved you both" Brendon whispered. "I wish I could have saved him too" Sarah answered. Brendon held the mask in his hand, "thanks Sarah.."

\--

It was almost the end of August, 29th. Brendon was home, hugging Dottie that Ryan left behind. Tomorrow was Ryans 32th birthday and he was still trapped with Shane without his dog, Brendon was shaking again trying to focus on the shitty tv channel he was watching. He was petting Dottie the most of all the dogs, he was, of course, loving his other dogs as well, Dottie was just extra special now.   
  
"Brendon.," Sarah said in her listen-this-is-really-important-don't-fucking-joke-around-now voice. "Yea hon?" Brendon said and stood up and faced Sarah, "Ryan was found." Brendon smiled, "That's good! When can we see him? Is he okay? Is Shane behind bars? Is he hurt? Oh god no I hope he´s okay-" "calm your dick Brendon," Sarah said still serious, "They won´t let us see him, he´s with a friend of his. He has a bit of amnesia, and he talks to himself a lot, that's the only thing I got to know about him." Sarah said and sat Brendon down on the couch. "No.. Why. I Want to see him. He´s my friend. Best friend!" Brendon said raising his voice, Brendon was starting to tear up again, "You need to focus on the tour Brendon. You´re on again in October, he has your number and he´ll call if he wants to see us okay? I´ll call you on updates when you´re on tour." Sarah said softly and hugged Brendon, "I just want to see him again, Sar.." Brendon sobbed into Sarah's shoulder, "I know.." His wife sighed and patted Brendon's back.   
  
/ _Ryan had woken up with a sore ass and his head hurt, "Brendon?" He called out when he remembered. "Fuck" He breathed under his breath, he looked around for Dottie. "Nononono.." "Morning Ryan" Shane came in with a plate full of chicken wings and a glass of water, and a.. bag? "W-what," Ryan said as he backed away in fear. "Can´t I give you breakfast?" Shane said too sweetly, "I won´t hurt you, now eat your breakfast and then you can write some songs." Ryan hesitated, maybe Shane had poisoned his food, well then he could die happily right? Ryan took the plate and mumbled a low ´thanks´ and then took a wing and ate some of it. It was quite good until it hit him. Ryan reached for the bag and spit the food down in it. "Like the food RY?" Shane said and then laughed evilly. "You **MONSTER!** " Ryan said and teared up, looking out to the empty chicken cage in his garden. _  
  
_Shane took a knife up from his pocket, "What did you call me Ross?" Shane asked Ryan. "N-Nothing!" "Hmm, I think I heard the word **FAG** , " Shane grabbed Ryan by Ryans collar and took his knife down the shirt and then tore it open, Ryan screamed in pain, "Tsk tsk." Shane then saw the words on Ryans stomach and found the word he was looking for and drew new blood into the healing scars. "Hope you go around shirtless in public so everyone can see who you really are!" Shane said smiling for himself at his work. Ryan just stayed silent with Blood running down from his wounds. Ryan could only stay silent. "Also Ross, take these pills, the_ _doctor said it´d help you! Take 4 pills now and 4 pills at lunch and 4 pills in the evening! Great!" Shane walked out of the bedroom. Ryan was back in his own personal hell. Help. No one could help him, he had lost it all. Noone was here._ /  
  
Brendon was talking to the police, "Please I just want to see him. Who's with him? Can I talk to them? Is it Z Berg? Spencer Smith? That Dan guy?" "We can't tell you, sir, unless you're family with him." Brendon slammed his fist against the table and then his hand softened and he broke down crying. "Sir, If you could get out." Brendon just did what he was told and moved away If only people had a heart and could let Best friends see each other.  
  
/ _I am Ryan Ross. I am Ryan Ross. I am Ryan Ross. I am Ryan Ross. I am Ryan Ross. I am Ryan- "Ross. Eat your apple and meet me in the studio" Shane said to Ryan. "Yes, Sir," Ryan said as Shane walked away. He felt like he had forgotten so much, his mind was foggy and it was so hard to remember each face, Shane. Shane was his friend. Right? Brendon was his... dad? No.. because his dad had the same name as he, George. George the 2nd. Brendon was? Who was Brendon? Z was his friend. And Ryan Ross was.. Nono HE was Ryan Ross. "Stop mumbling to yourself Idiot and get in here!" Shane yelled from across the big box he was in. Ryan Ross. I am Ryan Ross. Ryan thought as he stepped towards the sound of a man. I am Ryan Ross. He thought to himself as he strummed a guitar. His fingers moved elegantly, but he wasn´t in control._  
  
_The pills. It was the pills. The pills Shane said he had to take. Was 16 pills a day normal? What was even normal now? Who was he again? I am Ryan Ross. I am Ryan Ross. Suddenly he was on his bed, it was dark outside but in his head always foggy, he felt high. He felt empty and lonely. He giggled for himself to maybe feel something but nothing. "I am Ryan Ross. I am Ryan Ross. I am Ryan Ross. I am... Ryan... Ro-" He yawned. "Ross... I am..."_ /

Brendon was on tour again. In Austrailia and New Zealand and then Japan. He was happy on the outside and on the inside, It was existing yes. But Ryan was still in his mind, he had called Z, Pete, Spencer even Jon. But no one had heard from him. Brendon was now in Japan singing on stage. He had gotten the Ryan Ross question again and again, but he refused to answer it. Sarah said she had to talk to Brendon when he came home from the holidays. Maybe it was Ryan news? No, because then she'd have told him over the phone.   
  
/ _He was who? Who was taking him away from the giant white box, he felt himself get lifted, something about George Ryan Ross The Third the policemen said. He couldn't quite understand. A tall man who was quite pretty was hugging him, he hugged back not really knowing what to do. "Ryan. Ryan, you're here." Handsome said smiling. "Ryan... Ryan Ross." Ryan mumbled under his breath. "I am Ryan Ross..." Ryan said low and then lit up. "I AM RYAN ROSS OOh!" Ryan said exited. "Yes, you are Ryan. You remember me? Gabe?" "Gabe... Gabe, I´m sorry .. no? " Ryan said still hugging Gabe. Gabe sighed, and then let go of Ryan to talk to the police officer._  
  
_"LET ME GO! I 'LL KILL THEM ALL! ILL KILL BRENDON PETE Z AND ALL YOUR FUCKI N G FRIENDS!" Ryan looked at Shane who was getting taken away, "Shane.." Ryans head was still kinda fussy, he had just taken the pills for an hour ago... Ryan looked at Gabe again, "Hi! My name is Ryan!" Ryan said as he shook Gabe's hand. "God this is worse than when he´s high" Gabe mumbled under his breath. Ryan just smiled dumbly and said a lot of random stuff to Gabe._ /  
  
"1st day of December huh?" Brendon said smiling at Sarah. Sarah looked back at Brendon smiling a bit. "Yea, it surely is.." Her smile dropped a bit. "Look, Brendon, we´re going to go see Ryan.." Brendon smiled more, "Really? Like now? Where is he-" "Brendon. He´s... He had overdosed on Adderall, and he's in a light coma. It was one of the rare things that could happen if you overdosed, Shane admitted that he was the one to make Ryan Overdose." Sarah looked down on the ground. Brendon's smile had dropped as well. "He´ll wake up tho? Right?" Sarah looked back up at Brendon, guilt in her eyes. "Of course... Also... Gabe will be there as well, Ryan and him had a.. love affair going on." "T-They did? Why didn't I call Gabe? How long has he been in a coma?" Brendon asked too fast. "Well... I think... A month? Anyways, let´s go" Sarah said smiling a bit.  
  
When they arrived at the hospital the woman behind the desk wanted a picture of Brendon to send to her daughter who was a big fan of Panic!. Brendon walked into the room and saw Gabe asleep in one of the chairs. Sarah and he moved slowly over and saw Ryan. Brendon moved fast and was down beside Ryan's bed quickly and took his hand, he noticed that Ryan's hands were in some sort of metal cuffs that held him to his bed. Gabe woke slowly, "H-Hm?" Gabe sat up and looked at Sarah and then Brendon, "Brendon?" Brendon looked over to Gabe, "Why is he in cuffs?" Gabe looked down at the handcuffs, "I-... He was very aggressive to wake up in the hospital, well before that he kept on fainting and it worried me so I took him here and then he just well full on rage and punched 3 doctors and a nurse, he also screamed that I should get him out of there when they took me away to the waiting room. " Gabe shed a tear and hid his face in his hand, "I-It was so painful to watch him.. But I really like him, we where-" "lovers yea I heard that." Brendon said almost too fast. "He hasn't done any sign of wakening up yet?" "No.. " Sarah looked over at the heart monitor and saw that Ryans heart beat, beat a small bit faster. "Hey look, Ryans pulse went up" Gabe looked at the monitor.. "Yea.. what-" Brendon lit up, "Ryan? Ryan can you hear me, please wake up! Squeeze my hand if you can hear me!" Brendon said sitting up on his knees and starred at Ryans face. After a bit, Brendon felt a small squeeze, "I think he´s waking up or else he's aware of the outside world!"   
  
Ryan had suddenly held too tight on Brendon's hand, he opened his eyes and sat up trying to get his hand free, Brendon was honestly scared, Ryans hands were in fists. Sarah was calling the Doctors and Gabe was freaking out and kinda jealous. Ryans right hand was suddenly free and he was pushing Brendon away and picked on the other handcuff with a little sharp wire he had found, Gabe was quick on his feet and took Ryans hand away from uncuffing himself, "Hey Ryan, It's me... It's Gabe" Ryan just struggled to get free and then stopped fighting back and hugged Gabe back and began to cry instead. Brendon was up on his feet again and held Sarah's hand while walking over to Ryan and Gabe, he felt like he´d ruin their moment but didn´t want this Gabe x Ryan stuff to continue. "H-Hey Ryan, good to see you alive.." Ryan dried his tears in Gabe's t-shirt shoulder and looked up at Brendon, ".. h-" Doctors came in and looked at Ryan and Gabe, "It's all good, sorry" Sarah said, "Oh yeah he's awake" A doctor walked over to Ryan and asked him a few questions. Gabe moved away from Ryan.  
  
Brendon, Gabe, and Sarah had to wait in the waiting room. "Why did his heart beat faster when you touched his hand?" Gabe asked quite jealous. "I don´t know?" Brendon asked shrugging. "Oh really? He's in a coma for a month and then you come around for less than an hour and he wakes up? Is this some sort of fucking fanfic??!" Gabe asks raising his voice, "Oy Stop it, Gabe. Brendon didn't do shit!" "Yea, bet he's in love with Ryan, I saw that jealousy when Ryan calmed down when he hugged me-" "Don't ever insult my fucking husband again or I'll get you out of here." Gabe silenced after that and sat down again.  
  
Ryans doctor came out, "Hi, I'm doctor Johnson, Mr. Ross´ doctor, he´s gonna have to be here in 2 weeks and then we´ll see if he´s mentally prepared to get out of the hospital, he´ll have to take some pills because he´s suffering from some mental disorders. Please keep an eye out for him when he´s released so he doesn´t do any harm to himself or others." Johnson said as he left again. The three looked out in silent and then Gabe stood up, "Where are you going?" Sarah asked, "I just.. I can´t have Ryan as my boyfriend, I don´t care about the mental things but... I need to make music, I've been on a break from music for a month to live in the hospital and William... I... I kindaHadACrushOnWilliam" "You´re in love with William Beckett? and you said yes to be Ryans boyfriend? you monster" Brendon said furiously. "I´m sorry- I.. I thought my stupid little crush would go away, but it didn´t-- I´ll say sorry to Ryan." Gabe walked away. Brendon sat down as tears formed in his eyes, "He's had such a tough life and then he finds someone who he trusts but he turns out to not love Ryan... I-" "Was he true though? You were jealous. Is Gabe right? Y'know it's fine if you find Ryan attractive you're pan right?" "C´mon I love you, you´re my wife" Brendon flashes a heartwarming smile at Sarah and kisses her quick. Sarah smiles back, "I know, and I love you too. But you love Ryan too, haven't you always a bit?" Sarah smiles again "When are you gonna notice yourself?" "Please Sarah, I do love you, only you" Sarah just pulled Brendon into a hug, "I know, please be honest with yourself and don't go behind a mask. Y'know... A hug makes you hide your face." Sarah said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoyo, help my suffering, also remember comments I likey,


	4. Thick Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You hear the whisper in the wind  
> You hear that I've come back again  
> Thought I was dead and gone but my light's still on  
> And my time is coming." -The Hives, My Time Is Coming.

"Hey, Ryan.." Brendon said after the two weeks had passed in a blue, "Hey Brendon.." Ryan said looking down, "Hey my eyes are up here" Brendon joked and smiled, he hadn't really talked to Ryan since forever. "Soo.." Brendon started as Ryan filled the papers in front of him, "What day is it?" Ryan asked. "Uhm.. 20th of December" "oh fuck.." Ryan says low, "5 days?" Brendon just held Ryan's hand and began to walk outside, "Yea.." Brendon see Ryan is shaking because of the cold and takes his jacket off and puts it around Ryans shoulders and side hugs him while walking. Ryan blushes a bit and just stays silent walking down the road. As they reached the car Brendon turned towards Ryan, "Hey Ryan, how are you feeling?" Ryan just looked in front of him blowing cold air out of his nose, "Yea... I´m... fine? I guess" Brendon just sighed and opened the car door and got inside, Ryan did the same. Ryan didn´t honestly feel anything right now.. empty. Brendon started the car and drove out from the parking thing. "Is your amnesia over?" Brendon asked, "I.. I don't know, the last thing I remember before.. was Shane slicing words into my stomach then It's all a blur from that. I remember that I always tried not to forget my name. Then I woke up here in the bed and was very angry and then Gabe... Gabe broke up.." Ryan looked down into his lap. "I'm sorry. But he was an asshole to lead you on." Ryan looked at Brendon who looked disgusted. "Why do you care?" Ryan asked. "Y-You're my best friend, why wouldn't I? Such an asshole." "now you´re just focusing on his one mistake, he's a sweetheart really," Ryan said the last part low. "Were you in love with him? Really?" Brendon asked stopping for red and looked over at Ryan. "Well I mean, I didn't feel a connection, I just felt important and loved... But I didn't love him no. I just felt a little complete. Like life, I'll never have.." Ryan said his words fading slowly.

Brendon began to drive again, "Y'know I love you Ryan, Isn't friendship enough?" Dumb answer BrAnDON URINE. "What- What the fuck Brendon.," Ryan said low. "I mean, friendship is good, I just wanna have a lover y'know, someone I can kiss whenever and someone who'll hold me when they feel my emotions change. Someone who won't walk away and would talk to me and never get tired of me. Someone who won't hit me. leave me... abuse me... yell.. god- f-frick-"Ryans' voice broke. Hey, that could totally be me, Brendon thought before he took his right hand down from the steering wheel and held Ryans hand and squeezed "I'm sorry Ryan, I didn't mean-" "I can't keep living with you Brendon forever, I have a house, that needs to be cleaned.. I know I need someone to watch over me and I need you to  _´Watch Over Me´_  like I am a teenager or some shit. I am an adult. I just need the one. okay...? But now mostly I need Dottie, god I haven't seen her, Is she healthy? Please tell me she isn't sad or is whimpering. God, I need my baby to be okay!" Ryan had changed this conversation totally.

"uh... yeah she's fine, Sarah gave her food and comfort and the other dogs cuddled with her. " Ryan smiled as Brendon parked the car, he was now a bubble of adorableness. "Oh god, I can't wait to see her!" Ryan smiled and clicked himself out of his seatbelt and rushed out of the car and into the house. Brendon got out a bit after, "How had Ryan changed from angsty teen to happy bubbly 4-year-old so quickly.

"My girl!" Ryan said as Dottie ran up to Ryan and jumped up at his leg, Ryan picked Dottie up and hugged her close, "I've missed you so much!" Ryan said smiling, "Ryan!" Sarah said smiling, "Welcome back" Ryan just moved over to Sarah and hugged her tightly still with Dottie in his other arm. "I've missed you too, Sarah!" Brendon walked indoors and locked the door, Ryan walked over to the guest room and cuddled with Dottie till he fell asleep. Brendon felt sad that he couldn't help Ryan, Ryan was loved by many but Ryan didn't need  _THAT_  kinda love. He needed someone to protect him from the world and all it's living creatures.

Sarah was watching some TV News and stuff when Brendon came into the living room after having been in the hallway for too long thinking. "What's up B?" Sarah asked, "Exited for Christmas? Falloutboy is coming over... Also, Tyler and Josh will maybe come too. I think Pete and that Mikey Way is dating again. So Mikey, his brother, and his brother's wife and child will be coming.. so 9?" "Big Christmas" Brendon smiled and sat down and cuddled into Sarah's side, Sarah took an arm around her husband. "Certainly, also maybe Ryan wanna invite someone? Who knows?" "Yea.." Brendon closed his eyes and hugged around Sarah, "I love you. " He mumbled yawning. "I know.," Sarah said as he fell asleep in her embrace.

When Ryan woke up he felt terrible, like his insides were screaming and his head was hurting so god damn much. Ryan sat up and everything was spinning, he felt hopeless as he stood up and leaned against the doorframe, he heard some noises in the living room and he felt Dottie's presence by his right leg. Ryan walked towards the bathroom but didn´t feel like throwing up so he walked out again. "Ryan?" Brendon asked looking at his friend who seemed so distant. "Ryan?" Ryan moved past the shadow and into the kitchen, he looked around, it was all blurry and he felt himself fall(Guess he was going down, down), watch himself fall and then everything was black.

"Oh god, Sarah!" Brendon yelled as he saw Ryan blackout on the spot, Brendon had taken Ryan up in his arms and was talking to the living room where Sarah was already up and over to Brendon and Ryan. "What happened?!" Sarah said loud, "I don't know! He just passed out??!" Brendon walked over to the couch as Sarah searched the fridge for ice. Brendon sat down on the couch and laid Ryans head in his lap and Ryans legs over the couch leaner. Sarah came into the room with an ice bag in a dishtowel and Brendon took it and held it against the place where Ryans head had hit the floor. Brendon stroke through Ryans hair, Ryan had really smooth skin, what kinda products did he use? Brendon looked down at Ryans face, Ryan had like this small tiny cute nose you just wanted to boop and these lips- No, Brendon thought and frowned a bit. This was his best friend and he was married. Brendon Urie, married, artist, Sarah. Sarah had disappeared out into the kitchen, Brendon realized he had been starring at Ryans lips and thinking for how the fuck long and Ryans were waking up, Brendon blushed and looked at Ryans eyes, "Oh you're awake!" Brendon looked towards the kitchen and called Sarah inside the room.

Ryan looked confused up at Brendon, he could tell Brendon was blushing, what-

Ryan sat up, "What happened?" Ryan felt a throbbing pain in his head and touched the back of his head. "You uhm.. passed out on the ground.." Brendon said and looked away a bit. "Okay... I can´t remember anything.. weird" Ryan said to himself. "You don´t? You always remember everything tho, even when you´re hammered or so stone-faced you remember everything the next day.. huh.." Brendon says in a shock. "I know! It´s weird!" Ryan exclaims. "Drink up" Sarah hands Ryan a glass of water. Ryan grabs it and sips a bit before setting it down on the coffee table. Brendon looked at Ryan and then Sarah, "what'cha wanna do today boys?" "I don´t know? Christmassy stuff? Decorate? Invite, bake, make hot chocolate?" Brendon asked the other two. Sarah just shrugged, "Mm yea, I could bake some cookies while you two decorate the house and shit" "Sounds good" Ryan answered as he stood up, Brendon stood up as well besides Ryan, "I´m gonna go get the boxes" Brendon said as he walked out of the room, Ryan quickly followed smiling. "Do... You think I can invite Spencer and Z, possible Gabe and Jon?" Ryan asked. "Oh, yea of course!" Brendon answered, why would Ryan want Gabe to come, that dick.

Brendon walked down the basement and turned on the lights, he looked around and found the 3 boxes of decorations in the back of the basement, "neat" Brendon said as he went and grabbed one of the big boxes. Ryan grabbed one as well and they walked upstairs again where it already smelled more Christmassy because of the dough Sarah was making. "Smells nice!" Brendon said towards the kitchen, "Thanks" Sarah yelled back. The boys got into the living room and sat down the boxes, "Better get to work" Ryan said as he opened the first box, "Hey isn´t this the-" Brendon looked over Ryans shoulder, "Oh yea.. The Christmas Ball." Brendon picked it up, it was a Pretty. Odd. ornament where the band had signed all over it. Ryan looked at the big ornament and smiled, "You kept it.." "Of course, I´d never throw it out, it has a special place in my heart like..-" "Hm?" Ryan asked looked at Brendon, "... Like the band before the split.." Ryan just nodded and packed some more decorations out.

"Yo, what´s this fella doing here?" Ryan giggled as he picked up a Kermit in a Christmas hat. God Ryans giggle was beautiful, "Oh just Kermit as Santa Claus," Brendon said as he looked over at Ryan, Ryan was of course bend over a box of decorations, Brendon did absolutely NOT check out Ryans bottom and think it was a good butt. Nope. Never. "Like what you see, B?" Ryan joked as he caught Brendon starring and shook his ass. "Fuck you," Brendon said and looked away blushing. "You wish Bden," Ryan said laughing at his flustered friend and returned to sorting out the decorations. Brendon just took some light bulbs and sat them around the big living room. Ryan had decorated the tree nicely.

"Cookies is done in 1 hour- wow what is this? The house of Christmas?" Sarah said smiling at the sight of the living room. "House of Gold. House of memories. Thnks Fr Th Mmrs." Brendon referenced and smiled at Sarah, he had the most beautiful wife he could ever wish for, she was always there for him, she was so sweet to him and he was so happy he got to marry her, he had these nice brown eyes and this smile that blinded him, he had always this amazing sense.. of... fashi..on.. fuck.

\--

"Hey hurry you shit, the doorbell is ringing!" Sarah yelled at Brendon who was quickly out of the bathroom and ran over and opened the front door. "Hey, Peter!" Brendon smiled, "And Mikey, Gerard, Lindsey, Kid, and Patrick!" Brendon invited them all inside, "So I heard you have hidden Ryan fucking Ross here the whole entire time?" Patrick said hugging Brendon, "Nah.. Long story short, Shane happened abused Ryan, Ryan came to me and here we are!" Brendon said avoiding the part where Ryan was kidnapped and that shit, Fall Out Boy hadn´t been to the party. Brendon and Sarah said hi to the guests, it was 5 PM, the 24th of December, all the guests where gonna sleepover and then wake up and open the presents and then they´d all do something fucking fun. Ryan ran down the stairs and almost ran into Gerard, oh shit was that Gerard Way the lead singer from My Chemical Romance, Ryan blushed, "I-... I.. umm." Ryan started, "Oh, hello, Ryan?" Gerard smiled and greeted Ryan, " you're that dude from 2009 Panic! At The Disco!" Gerard smiled. Ryan almost fainted at that moment, he had been a fucking big fan of My Chem, wait didn't Brendon say that Pete's new boyfriend was... fuck. "You kay?" Gerard asked as the smaller boy didn't answer, "I'm Not Okay" Ryan mumbled at ran towards the guest room again and locked his door.

Gerard stood there for a moment, "Mikey, your boyfriend's friends friend just ran away from me" Gerard said to his brother. Mikey just shrugged and looked at Pete again. The doorbell rung again, Brendon opened the door and yelled through the house, "Spencer and Z is here Ryan!!" There was a thud and then Ryan came down running past Gerard still embarrassed and fanboying inside. "Hey, guys!" Ryan greeted and smiled at his friends, he hugged them both whispering in Spencer's ear, "half of MCR is here I wanna die" Spencer just giggled and moved past Ryan, Ryan looked at Spencer hugged Gerard like a normal human being. "Ooh yeah.. forgot about your big MCR phase your still not over" Brendon whispered in Ryans ear, "Yes, fuck you very much, I didn't buy them a gift because you guys said that I only needed presents for Spencer, You, Z, Sarah, and the dogs!" Ryan hissed back in Brendon's ear. "If you dare say fuck in this Mormon household again I-" "Fuck," Ryan said teasingly, "Hey Mikey and Gerard, Haaave you met Ryan?" Brendon said and moved away from Ryan, "Fucking using How I Met Your Mother References" Ryan said under his breath, "Ryan no swearing, baddy word makes me say your secret celebrity crush out loud" Brendon said smirking in Ryans direction. "Hey, you're Petes Friends friend!" Mikey said doing his small weird smile and shook Ryans hand, Ryan was shaking technically. "He's sensitive, Mikey," Pete said and hugged Mikey from behind, Pete whispered something to Spiky Mikey, Mikey laughed a bit and just nodded understandably. What did you do, Ryan mouthed to Pete who was walking away from the Way Brothers.

"So big fan heh?" Mikey said, "Ooh that explains it," Gerard said, Ryan just blushed more, he had heard they broke up when he got out of his cage of a house and had gone to Brendon's house. He had maybe binge heard Franks albums and Gerard's albums and Rays and Mikey's new band. Only MAYBE. "i-... Uhh... " Ryan stuttered nervously... "Ryan Ross huh, heard some of your new music, pretty good" Gerard started. "Thanks, I love your albumHesitantAlienAndOfCourseWhoWouldn´tLoveElectricCentury," Ryan said too fast. "Wow, I thought Frank talked fast when he had his 4 red bulls," Mikey said. Ryan just blushed more.

The doorbell was ringing again for the last time as everyone else came indoors.

Ryan had stopped swearing in fear of Brendon saying anything, he had caught Brendon staring at him more, suddenly Ryan felt completely empty and his head was throbbing in **pain**. He was thinking back to Shane and his scars. He thought about his eating disorders and he felt hot tears stream down his face, he heard voices. They were all panicking. Ryans vision was foggy and he couldn´t talk, why should you talk anyway? Why was he alive again? He could be **dead** , he felt lonely and alone, he wanted to scream but then everyone would hate him. He knew he was on the floor, but why get up? Why do anything? Why listen to anything? He suddenly heard a song he recognized as a My Chem song. One of his favorites he could hear by the beat. And live my life alone forever now. Ryan sang inside his head, he felt the music fill his head, "Ryan... Ryan, can you hear me?" He also recognized that voice, Brendon Urie. He was still too weak, he was too weak to answer, to get up. He just let the music fill his head and heard it stop.

"Hey... It's gonna be alright. " Ryan heard a small voice say as it clung to his side. Ryan blinked and his breathing became slower, he looked at his side and heard some few people exhale, Ryan saw Gerard's daughter hug his side, "Your name was Ryan right?" Bandit asked Ryan, Ryan just nodded. Bandit let go of Ryan as Brendon was by his side, "Ryan are you okay?" Ryan looked at Brendon, ".. I'm okay. I just... I'm gonna go to my room" Ryan stood up and went straight upstairs. " I will go talk to him.." Z said and followed Ryan upstairs. Brendon could feel the air was thick again and didn´t know what to do, but his hero, Sarah said "He'll be fine in some minutes. We have Christmas movies and hot chocolate, please don´t let this affect the evening." Sarah smiled, everyone slowly began to talk again and everything fell into pieces. "Thanks, you´re my hero" Brendon whispered in Sarah's ear and kissed her cheek. "no problemo," Sarah said back.

"Soo... what´s going on lately?" Z questioned sitting on the guest bed Ryan was currently laying on, "I don´t know.. I just.. Ugh... I want a nice boyfriend I can hug and kiss all the time, I want to be married and not just some lonely single guy that's in his early 30´s.. shit I do really sound like Ted from HIMYM.." "Hyomion?" "How I met your mother... Y´know.." Ryan said. "Oh.. Neil is cool, but you aren´t a Ted, you´re Ryan Ross and you´ll find the right boy someday, maybe not tomorrow but soon," Z said smiling. "Thank you Z.." Ryan said back, "I also noticed... Brendon's kinda staring at me... a lot... Did I forget something? It´s not his birthday, right? Its April 12th I think.." Ryan said talking to himself for the last part. "oh.. is he? Doesn´t he like to stare at everybody?" "No.. I mean yes.. but he like... He stares at me... and Thinks. It´s like I have the math answers and he wants to ask me about them, but he doesn´t wanna seem dumb to me." Ryan said thinking. "Goddammit, is Panic! At The Disco just a fanfiction or is it just me?" "Fuuuuck no... Get that shit away from my face.." Ryan said smiling, "It was 2004, Ryan asked Spencer, `Yo wouldn´t it be cool to start a cover band? You can play drums, I can play guitar and sing!´ Spencer just shrugged and up the road it went. After they had kicked Brent, that lazy ass, out of the band and found Brendon Urie, the now known lead singer of PATD, that could play guitar, but after Ryan got terrible sick one day he asked if dear Mr. Urie could sing and Brendon sang as beautiful as the Angels came out and leaned against the boys, `YOU CAN SING?´ Ryan said-" "I get it, I get it!" Ryan said laughing at Z's story about P!ATD.

"I heard there's champagne downstairs, want me to get you some?" "Sure.. could you get some cookies too?" Ryan asked smiling at Z. Z was honestly one of his best friends. "Sure, Ry, want me to get a race car too?" Z joked and walked downstairs.

As Z got downstairs she stopped and heard voices talking in the hallway up to the second floor. "I don´t know, maybe... Y´know I think he needs to... But I'm afraid, I know he's not a child but.." "Brendon, you don't choose if Ryan wants to see a phycologist, he is an adult and can choose for himself. I know, It _would_  be best for him but if he isn´t ready to trust another person he does not have to go see one. Go up and talk to him. You two are close." Sarah said and walked back to the evening's events. Brendon sighed and heard a shuffling from the stairs and looked up at Z, "Sorry.. sorry you had to hear that Z... I'm just an idiot sometimes." Brendon said and walked upstairs past Z, Z just stood there and took it all in, she had heard rumors of Ryan and Shane and all that, just a small summary.. She was, of course, curious about her best friends life, but she hadn´t had the courage to ask him. She just walked down the rest of the stairs and into the kitchen.

"Hey, Ryan.." Brendon said softly, knocking on the door and walking in, he saw Ryan was standing up taking a new shirt on, Ryans head peeked up from the collar of his shirt, "Oh hello Brendon.." Brendon blushed a bit, "You blush almost as much as back then in 2008" Ryan laughed. "Soo-... Is that the shirt I brought you back in 2009 that was too big for you?" Brendon asked curiously, Ryan just looked at Brendon, "yes?" It was a yellow button up with no sleeves only some t-shirty sleeves thing, with some flowers on both shoulders and two eyes on the collar. "Does it fit now?" Brendon asked, his gaze wandering around the button up, go damn it looked good on Ryan. "Yeah, it feels comfy on me" Ryan smiled, noticing Brendon looking, "I've actually noticed you have starred at me very much... somethings going on?"

Brendon had moved closer to Ryan, "I.. I don't know, I didn't think I had a fashion sense back then, but look here, I had the perfect fashion sense, just not on me... but on you. I should buy more clothes for you... You look so beautiful in the clothes- I mean, the shirt fits you perfectly-." "Brendon you're fiddling with the shirt," Brendon had indeed fiddled with Ryans shirt, starring at the flowers, it reminded him of Pretty. Odd. and it brings him so many happy smokey memories. They had been high 70% of the time writing the album but whatever, he had loved Ryan and he was happy, he still had the band and Jon and Spencer and wait what- He had loved Ryan. He had crushed on Ryan. Brendon looked up at Ryans eyes that were looking back down at his, light brown eyes filled with pain and happiness, relief, sadness, confusion and tons of other emotions.

"Brendon you really seem weird today-" Brendon had tiptoes a bit and was kissing Ryan gently, Ryan was shocked and frozen, Brendon.. wAs KIssSing Him?? What even- "Champagne, cocaine, gasoline for our sad- OMG IM SORRY!" Z screech as the sight of Brendon kissing Ryan, Brendon pulled back and felt his heart break when he said, "T-That... That didn´t mean anything. It was dumb." Brendon ran out of the room and downstairs to his wife. Brendon had almost broken down crying. Ryan just stood confused, "Is this a nightmare, pinch me Z" Ryan asked, Z was also frozen, "wow. what a dick." Z said after a bit and moved over to Ryan with the champagne. "What happened? Tell me EVERY detail."

Brendon hadn't seen the sight of Ryan after.. that. He and Z had been up there for an hour, and it was almost dinner time, yes it was 9 pm and they ate that late. Brendon looked out into the hallway and sighed, maybe Ryan hated him now... "Hey B, somethings up?" Sarah asked Brendon, "No.. I´m fine," "Liar liar pants on fire" Sarah sighed and held Brendon's hand, "tell me... you can tell me anything.." Brendon looked into Sarah's eyes and he just.. he couldn´t tell her, it´d break her too much, he really did love Sarah, they hadn´t gotten married for no reason after all. "I.. I can´t tell you, Sar... I'm sorry.." Brendon said as he heard someone coming down the stairs, his glance shot towards the stairs and saw Ryan carrying Z in his arms, Brendon felt a pang of jealousy and then felt bad for feeling jealous. God Ryan still had that yellow shirt on and he had switched pants to some skinny black ones. Brendon could see Ryan smile at something Z say and then saw Z kiss Ryans cheek. That was normal right.. something Z did to every one of her friends.

"Are you two a couple?" Pete asked and then got kicked on his leg by Mikey, "ow... Mooikaay kicked mee" Pete whined, Mikey sighed defeated and kissed Pete's forehead and looked apologized towards Z and Ryan, Ryan just stood their and Z laughed, "Sweety, Ryan's gay" Ryan just shrugged and sat Z down and turned around and saw Brendon, Ryan had taken down some champagne to get rid of that awkward feeling but here it was as thick as ever. Ryan moved past Brendon fast and into the bathroom. Brendon was stunned as he took the information in, Ryan was gay. Ryan Ross coming out, what was the chance, he had just come out as pan some months ago and now Ryan? Life's crazy.

Ryans scars had healed quite a bit, only the words on his stomach were still visible. He lifted his shirt and saw the words and shivered. They bring bad Shane memories back again and he didn´t wanna think about Shane tonight. He wanted to be happy and laugh with his friends and.. Idols. If Frank Iero was here he'd shit his pants and fucking faint probably. That was also the secret between him and Brendon, he had the biggest celebrity crush on Frank Iero, okay but who wouldn't? Frank was short and energetic, dad figure, funny, could play guitar, had a great sense in music and was really kind. Ryan had met Frank ones and he only remembered saying hi, being very anxious and then it was all just black, erased memory. He had probably fainted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pwease cuwument, iw bew vewe !hapwy! uwu


	5. Romantic Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda just an extra(but important) chapter I guess

Ryan woke up in his guestbed with Dottie by his side and remembered. It's Christmas! Ryan got up, kicked lightly at Z on the floor sleeping " _Hmphrgh??_ " Z said and looked up at Ryan and rubbed her eyes, "Christmas!" Ryan squealed, jumping on the spot like a child, "God.. Ryan... It's like.. 6 AM..." Ryan just frowned at Z, Z saw the frown and said defeated "Sure... I'll get up.." After some minutes Z was up and awake and was following Ryan downstairs, Patrick, Pete, Joe, and Bandit was already at the tree talking, Bandit was sitting beside the tree, hugging Pete's leg. Ryan heard shuffling from different bedrooms and saw Andy walking into the living room. "Morning everybody," Z said yawning. "Moning," Pete said, "Mikey didn't wanna get up..." Pete said looking down, "how sad," Patrick said sarcastically.

"Moornin'... " Brendon said groaning walking into the living room all dressed up, his hair sitting perfectly as ever. "Morning" Patrick said, "Can't Gerard wake up so Bandit can open her presents?" Talking about the devil Gerard walked straight to the kitchen looking for coffee, "yeah, morning to you to Gerard" Patrick said towards Gerard, "Fuck you." Gerard groaned and then found his coffee, he was an asshole in the morning if he hadn't had his coffee, "Rood.." Andy said under his breath. As the coffee brewed Bandit ran over to her dad, "Daad, can I open the preeseentssssssss, pretty pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase?" Bandit said, stretching out the words. "Mm.. sure, Uncle Mikey's boyfriend will help you, right PETE?" Pete just gave a thumbs up, "thanks Pete" Gerard said. Fall out boy laughed. 

Everyone was up and Bandit had opened her presents, she had gotten a Ukelele, some comics, some action and princess figures, some nail paint and a small tiara. Ryan was the last one to open his presents, he had honestly thought no one bothered to buy him anything but here he was getting stuff from his friends. Sarah had gotten him a new Huawei P20 mate pro phone and it was so big and amazing camera focus. Mikey had even gotten him an electric guitar and Ryan was almost fainting when Gerard had gotten him a limited album cover and vinyl of WTTBP. Ryans fucking favorite album of all time. Ryan had been shaking. Now he had one more present left by Brendon, he opened it and fucking gasped, like a real-life gasp, "Brendon, you... Is this- no fucking way-" "I fuck Way" Pete said interrupting Ryan, Mikey blushed like crazy. Brendon just ignored it and nodded at Ryan, "My acoustic guitar you used more than me, I thought you'd like to have it... I know it's nothing special-" "Shut up- I- You kept it? Wow, I'm so honored, I love you for this" Ryan said and moved over to hug Brendon, Brendon hugged Ryan back smiling. "Hope you'll write songs with it" Brendon whispered to Ryan.

Ryan just smiled and pulled away from Brendon's embrace. Brendon tried to push the feeling of his heart quickening away, he just couldn't stop staring at Ryan, Ryan was so perfect, but he was happily married and shouldn't be starring this much at his friend. Today's plans were to go to out on some Christmas cafés in town and go ice skating. Brendon was freaking existed about today, just a whole day with his friends. Brendon saw people getting ready to go get out and get breakfast, so he stood up and walked towards the kitchen to get some water. When Brendon entered, he saw Bandit on a stool getting the cookies on the table, Bandit looked around looking as innocent as she could and Brendon just made the shush sign as that he wouldn't tell anyone. Bandit smiled and stuffed her pockets, he was gonna get his ass kicked by Gerard if he found out.

Ryan had got his Jacket on and took his gloves on and took the hood of his jacket over his head, ready to face the cold air that was not so cold but colder than it was in LA anyways. 50 degrees, how the fuck did Europe survive that? Ryan held Z's warm hand as they walked out the door, "You're freezing cold Ryan for god's sake, I want my warm hand back" Z whined but still held onto Ryans hand. Brendon had starred at Zs and Ryans intertwined hands for a minute now, he really shouldn't be back in love with Ryan. He was Ryan's friend and had a wife, why did he keep telling himself that? Why did he have to keep saying he was married, yes he loved Sarah, Sarah was amazing and he could think about having her forever.

Ryan looked at the front entré to the Café they where gonna eat at, it was decorated with Christmas decorations. Looked quite lovely and sweet, Ryan stepped inside with Z and looked around, there were already people inside, it was quite quiet in here so they kept their voices low. Soon the 13 of them was inside, Spencer and Brendon were talking about music and Sarah and Z had a conversation going. Ryan was kinda just sitting on his butt and was starring out of the window. He felt the big phone in his pocket, quite scared of it to be honest. He met some blue eyes across the Café, he smiled and waved, the guy looked back at his friend talking a bit more, looking at Ryan some more times. Brendon looked at the guy Ryan was starting to talk to, Brendon kept staring at them, Gerard was staring at the brown haired dude. The brown-haired dude starred back at Gerard. "Hi." The black-haired dude said, Ryan heard some kind of accent, "Sorry, are you from around here?" The black haired dude blushed, "Actually no... I and Daniel just have some friends here in the US to celebrate Christmas with. I'm Phil Lester by the way." Phil said and smiled at Ryan before looking at his friend-Daniel who was fangirling over Gerard Way. "I-I can't believe y-you're real..Phil... Oh my god. I'm gonna faint- I'm sorry- I'm Daniel" "I know, I follow you on Twitter, Bandit likes to watch your videos too, Phil's too" Bandit smiled at Daniel. Daniel was shaking at Gerard Way spoke to him. The leader of the black parade.

Ryan and Phil were talking about everything and nothing, Ryan kinda liked Phil. "You like flowers?" Ryan asked, "Yeah, plants. Tho I'm not good to keep 'em alive Y'know." Phil giggled. Ryan couldn't help but smile too, Phil's smile was perfect. "Wannagoonadate" Ryan said mumbling to himself, "Pardon me?" Phil asked, still smiling. "I'm sorry, you´re not single are you..?" "I am tho.. haven't dated in 11 years." "Are you Bi?" "Yeah, how could you tell?" Phil asked looking at Ryan, Ryan was quite handsome, Dan had pointed at Gerard from their booth and was fangirling over the old lead singer of My Chem. Phil tho had noticed the brown haired dude sitting at Gerard's table, staring back at him smiling, Dan had of course noticed and took it as an excuse to meet his Idol. Phil was flustered and protested but gave up at the handsome guy spoke to him.

"I don't know, wanna go on a date with me?" Ryan asked Phil, Brendon looked shocked at Ryan, felt a bit hurt and just wanted to crawl into a cave and eat rocks alone. Brendon regretted listening into their conversation and just looked down, haven't even noticed he was tearing up until now, he quickly made them go away and drank from his coffee. Ryan smiled as he got Phil's number. He was gonna go pick Phil up from Phil's friend's house and take him out to a fun arcade or something, he already wanted to marry Phil and laugh with him every day, Ryan smiled dumbly staring at the note in his hand. "Ryan's getting some eh?" Z said slamming her elbow into Ryans side, Ryan just blushed and put the note in his pocket. Z was making sex jokes at him, suddenly Shane flooded his mind. Ryans smile dropped as his head went black.

"Someone find some music quickly and hold him!" Z shouted literally, everyone kinda jumped, Ryan was breathing fast and shaking, just froze in his place as tears ran down his cheeks. He didn't want the memories back as he began to push everything away from him, Pete's phone got knocked away by Ryans arm suddenly and Ryan was pushing away the people trying to get to him, he was kinda screaming. The Cafés employers tried to calm Ryan down as well, some asked if they should call 911 but Z thanked no. Phil and Dan looked at the scene, they were on the way out. Brendon tried to get to Ryan but was accidentally slapped by Ryan, knocked sideways, his head hitting a table, Brendon's head was dizzy and the world was blurred. He felt Sarah's arms around him. Phil saw Ryan and walked over to Ryan.

"Ryan.." Ryan could see a crack in his blackness and saw Phil, he calmed down a bit and he saw tears run down his cheek as Phil hugged him. Phil hugged him tight, "Hey calm down, It'll all be alright in a minute, hold on to your saneness." Ryan broke free of his cage and hugged Phil back crying into his shoulder, "..thank you.. thank you.." Ryan praised into Phil's ear. Brendon just watched Phil and Ryan, he couldn't get Ryan to calm down.. But this.. _P h i l_ guy could. This **RANDOM** stranger he didn't know, Ryan barely knew this _PHIL_ guy. Brendon felt angerness flowing into his head and stood up, walking outside to smoke.

"Hey. " A voice said besides Brendon, he saw that Dan-yul guy, Phil's friend. "Hurt doesn't it.." Dan said quietly. "Hm?" Brendon said as he lit his smoke. "Loving someone who you're slowly loosing, known them for years, giving them hints, but they're an oblivious fuck? You're Brendon Urie from Panic! right?" Brendon just nodded, "Wait- you love Phil?" Brendon asked his head snapping towards Dan, "I- Yes... I've been in love with him for 3 years... I don't know It's dumb anyways, he has that _RYAN_ guy." Dan mumbled and hugged himself tighter. "Wait... You think I love Ryan? T-That's insane, I-I'm married! I d-don't.." Brendon said stammering on his words. "I never said you loved him. You're jealous tho. I can almost see the greenish of the jealousness rise up from your head." Dan shrugged as he looked at his phone, "I was gonna say I loved him more than a friend after we've been to the US, but kinda ruined that now... Didn't I.." Dan said looking away from his phone, looking up at the sky, blowing cold air out from his nose. Brendon just looked at Daniel. ".. I.. Okay. But I wouldn't have a chance If I got one tho... I found out I'm back in love with him again yesterday. i just... I kissed him and I felt so bad because I'm married, I just-" "Marriage.. A commitment, love hurts, It hurts so much, you´re these two different people looking at one world but diffrently. I see it as dark, but with some light and hope in it too tho. Phil sees it as a playground, he sees the happiness but I've seen him break down, It hurts to see that, I've seen him furious, it scared me. He can be quite scary when he's angry, I usally tear up and then he feels really guilty and then I feel guilty for making him feel guilty. He's been so close to being kissing me like it was magical and then I-" Phil walked outside and looked at Dan, "Ready to go, Dan?" Phil asked smiling. Dan just nodded, waving at Brendon before walking away with Phil.

Brendon stamped on his smoke, his head still hurting so much, but he chose to ignore the pain. " i... love him.." Brendon said testing out the words in his mouth, "Who do you love?" Z said walking outside in her jacket. "Noone!" Brendon said too quickly, "No, of course, it's no one? Does this noone have a name? Also him? You're not cheating on Sarah are you?" "Of course not! I wouldn't- just confused that's all." Z looked at Brendon, "Oh My God! You're in love with Daniel Howell!" "What- nonono, It's R-" Fuck that was close, "It's? It's someone else?" "I can't tell you," "Why?... Hmm... Let's see... Spencer?" Z said lifting her hands questioning, "Wait- how dare you? It's Ryan!" Z said too loudly, Brendon shushed her, "Please keep quiet." "Oh my, how- How long?" Z Said lowering her voice. "Idk? I found out I still love him yesterday" "Still love him? Did you love him before? why the fuck didn't you do anything about it?" Z said harsher, Brendon just bit his lip and was about to answer when Ryan walked outside to them, "Hey guys, you look like you're having a fight?"

"nono... Brendon's just being stupid" Z said as she walked back inside. Brendon just blushed but blamed it on the cold weather. Ryan looked at Z walking inside and then looked at Brendon, "I have a boyfriend! Oh god oh god! Brendon. You have to help me pick clothes and dress me! pleaaaaaaaase!" Ryan said begging to Brendon, Brendon's heart was aching but he could just not say no to Ryan, "Of course, Ry" Brendon just faked a smile. He wanted to cry so badly, but he didn't wanna make Ryan unhappy. He knew he was gonna break up with Sarah some day.

\--

It was the eighth of January, Ryan and Phil were still dating, Brendon and Daniel were talking about heartache and heart wounds over Twitter, Brendon was still married to Sarah and Ryan still lived in his house, it was honestly so painful to live with Ryan. Ryan was always face timing Phil, saying how much he missed him and he wanted to kiss him so badly and how he was coming to England in March. New years had been hell, Phil had been there, Ryan and Phil had danced and kissed right in front of Daniel and Brendon, Daniel and Brendon had gone outside and cried their hearts out to each other. Brendon had finally accepted to like, no be in love with Ryan Ross. George Ryan Ross the Third made him hurt so much but made him feel so alive at the same time. Daniel thought it was hell living with Phil too, Panic! where coming to the UK in March so Ryan was so excited to hang out with his boyfriend, Phil Lester. Ryan Lester... Phil Ross. Nono, It didn't sound right, Brendon thought, it was Ryan Ross. Not _Ryan Lester_ or some shit.

Brendon was hugging his pillow listening to his heartbreak playlist while looking at his wall, "Brendon.." Sarah sighed as she walked into their shared bedroom, "You're moping everyday over something. Tell me. I know you love Ryan, so I've been thinking-" "I caaan't tell you, it´d break yo- wait what. How did you- No of course not. I don't." Brendon said, looking at Sarah. "I know you love Ryan, It's fine. Soo.. I thought about divorce, we can still live together and be friends y'know, It doesn't have to be that awkward divorce thing, I'll support you all the way through." Sarah said, Brendon, teared up, "Why are you so nice to me, you should be furious, you should hit me and then walk out of here like I just killed your dog.." Brendon said as Sarah hugged him, "I'm not like that tho Brendon, of course, I love you Brendon, but I can't keep having to see you mope all day and the first thing to get further in life is to erase everything that's holding your dreams down. Soo, this marriage."

Brendon hugged Sarah close, "what's going on in here?" Ryan asked as he walked into the bedroom, "Divorcing" Sarah said still hugging brendon, "Wait- what" Ryan said confused, Sarah and Brendon was such a goal couple, they were both happy? And what could possible make them divorce? " _Why_ -" "Personal stuff" Brendon said sniffeling into Sarahs shoulder. Ryan just walked into the kitchen again and snapped his coffee and drank it fast, he was gonna facetime Phil in one hour, it was gonna be 9 PM over in England.

Brendon got out of bed and moved into the kitchen to get some coffee, his phone vibrated from his pocket as he picked it up, it was Zack. "Hey, buddy.." Brendon said, "Brendon your vocal couch has called me and you haven't practiced I believe, you need to go and warm up before the tour starts again." Zack said, Brendon looked at the date, shit 2 more days? "I didn't even notice the date! I'm sorry, meeting at- yeah, okay see you all there!" Brendon said and grabbed his jacket and took his hair up. "Gonna be gone for a while! Ryan pack up we're on road to NY in 1 days!" Brendon said across the house's thin walls.

Ryan just yelled sure back and packed some more clothes, Brendon had been shopping a lot with Ryan after he had gotten Phils number, Phil was all Ryan wanted in a boyfriend. Slow romance, funny, kind and cuddely. Ryan had cried when Phil had to fly back to england, but Brendon reminded him that they where coming to the UK in March and then Ryan was happy again hugging Brendon, friendzoning him.


	6. Brendons act on stage

  
It was March the 23rd and they were soon at the UK and Ryan was a fucking puppy finally seeing their owner for the first time in forever when they arrived Brendon and Ryan went to see their UK friends. Brendon had taken his jacket on, it was really cold in the UK and he hated it, like why should it be allowed to be this cold? This was like winter. Brendon reached the house the guys were living in and knocked, Ryan was all jumpy and couldn't stop smiling. As soon as the door opened to a Phil Lester, Ryan just moved forward hugging Phil and kissed him, Brendon could just watch as the happy couple was all cutesy, Dan appeared in the hallway, Brendon moved past the couple and inside, Daniel and Brendon walked into the house quietly and made their way up the stairs. "So, how are you?" Daniel asked, "Been heartbreaking I guess." Brendon said, "Same here," Dan said, "We have been making videos of course but whenever we're done making them Phil just babbles about Ryan and how amazing and funny he is, ugh Ryan." Dan said, "Don't be mad at Ryan, be mad at them both, why do they have to be so darn cute? I should have seen Ryan was out of my league.." Brendon said cursing under his breath as he took a seat on the couch.

"I should have seen too, I just.. I guessed Phil would just feel the same way, I don't know.. Everyone thinks we're married already.." "Do they? Shipping stuff?" Brendon asked, "Oh god don't remind me, _´´The Hat Fic´´_ or some shit, I read some and actually vomited, I vomited my breakfast up, and I couldn't sleep all night!" Dan said looking at Brendon, "Oh don't get me started on The Milk Fic, a pedophile, or something like that, even wrote the fucking fic, and some get off bc of these fanfics? That's very disgusting." Brendon said looking at Daniel. Daniel looked at Brendon, "A-A freaking pedophile?" Daniel looked very disturbed. "So let's get away from that conversation. You guys wanted to collab with me, Ryan can't be in the video, he still isn't comfortable being recognized yet." Daniel lit up bc the conversation took a turn, "Yea, we thought about different Panic at the disco quizzes and tests" Dan said pointing towards the setup, "Nice" Brendon said smiling looking at the setup. Professional Youtubers.

After the recording they went out to eat, Brendon had to go tho to soundcheck and all that so Ryan, Dan, and Phil was left to eat ice cream and drink hot tea.

As Brendon came to soundcheck he already heard some fans, "MR. DISCO!" Brendon grinned and turned around, Zack was by his side if it was a crazy fangirl. "I LOVE YOU MR. DISCO!" Brendon walked over to them, a guy was filming the meeting, they had recorded the weeks of touring and it was entertaining to read the comments on their youtube channel. "You guys going to the show tonight?" Brendon asked them, they shook their head but babbled about how nice and amazing he was, "Hey guys, psst-" he handed them 4 tickets, they looked like he had given them gold. "Oh mAH GOD THANK YOU BRENDON!" They screamed loudly and fangirled. Two of them cried, Brendon hugged them all before beginning to walk to the soundcheck, Brendon's mind kept drifting back to Ryan and Phil. They weren't even a matching couple. Brendon thought his mood going down. ~~~~

After soundcheck Brendon looked at his Twitter, -KENNETH HARRIS A THREAD- Brendon checked it out and gasped, was this real? God hope it's not. Brendon stood up, "Kenny?" Brendon asked Kenny who was strumming his guitar, "Yea, B?" Kenny said looking up, "Y'know, how much I love our fans and love the band?" "Yea?" Kenny said still listening. "So there are rumors about, y'know on Twitter. About you talking to underage girls in like 2016. Is it true? Have you harassed girls over social media?" Brendon said dead serious, Kenny froze and went ghost pale for a moment, "W-what"

"Is the rumors true, Kenneth?" "Brendon, it all happened 2 years ago, I-" "Out," Brendon said simply. "What- I've been playing here for 5 years?!" Kenny shouted. "I've been here since the beginning. Pack your things and don't look back.." Brendon looked away his heart hurting. Kenny and he had been very good friends, but if Kenny was a Pedophile- He can't even.

After a while, Zack came out to Brendon, "What the fuck dude, you just threw Kenny out of the band, it's not only your decision." Brendon just looked down still traumatized by the news. He had tweeted about Kenny not touring with them anymore. "He- He was-" "Your best friend!" Zack exclaimed. "-A pedophile, I gotta keep our fans safe. I- Kenny was a pedophile.." Brendon said looking down. "He was a what- That's fucked up, I-I'm sorry Brendon, I just got stressed.." Zack said kneeling down and hugged Brendon. Ryan walked inside at the moment, "Whoa, just saw Kenny get into a taxi cab, what's happening?" Ryan asked looking at Brendon and Zack. "Kenny's out, he is.. was? a pedophile.." Brendon said letting go of Zack and standing up, "Really? I can't believe him." Ryan said, "And now we need to find a guitarist who shall know all the fucking songs in under a day. fuck. I guess I could do it but I can't run around and have fun as much.." Brendon complained. "That's tough dude.." Ryan said looking at Brendon. "I'm sure you'll find someone-" "Wait wait. Ryan, you could totally be the guitarist until we have found another one! It's only like 5 shows until the tour ends!" Brendon said liting up, "Brendon- I-" "Please Ryan," Brendon said hugging around Ryan. "Pleeaaase Ryan," Brendon said into Ryans' neck. Brendon inhaled Ryans scent, vanilla. Just like the old days, this just made Brendon hug Ryan closer, he smelled so good, was that creepy? probably.

"I-I... Uhm. Okay.. sure." Ryan said defeated, Ryan could feel Brendon's smile widened. Brendon just kept hugging Ryan, "Brendon if I have to practice the songs I better get working." Ryan said sighing messing Brendon's hair up by shuffling through it. Brendon groaned and let go. "You're such a kid sometimes Bden," Ryan said smiling, "Got any guitars?" "Of course" Zack answered not wanting to be the third wheel. Zack went out to go grab a guitar. Ryan and Brendon were left alone in the room, "Soo.. why did you and Sarah get a divorce?"

"It's complicated.." Brendon said looking down, "How're you and Phil?" Brendon said changing the subject. "E-ehm we actually... uhm broke up.. the distance was too much and I didn't wanna leave the US and Phil didn't wanna leave Dan behind in the UK.." Ryan said looking up into the ceiling, "Oh?" Brendon said looking at his phone, and yes there were 5 messages from Daniel Howell. "Who are you texting?" Ryan asked, "Noone." Brendon said pocketing his phone, "Got the guitar." Zack said, "Thank god." Zack said exhaling, "What?" Ryan and Brendon said in unison. "Thank god you weren't making out," Zack said setting the guitar down and walking out of the room. "What no-" Brendon said turning red. "Wait- that reminds me, why did you kiss me that Christmas?" Ryan asked looking at Brendon, "I what?" Brendon asked, playing dumb. "I would never kiss you.." Brendon said looking everywhere but Ryans eyes. "You wouldn't? I would kiss me if I could" Ryan said with sarcasm. " I was drunk" Brendon lied.

"Oh, you were? okay, I mean I wouldn't look different at you if you had a crush on me" Ryan said smiling, "But I don't!" Brendon said too fast. "Just get ready for tomorrow.." Brendon sighed and walked outside to call Daniel. "Hello, Daniel?" Brendon said when it finally reached. "Brendon! I called you like 7 times and send 10 messages!" "Yes, I know." Brendon said, "So how's Phil?" "he locked himself in his room. I can hear him talking to his dead plants.. send help" Daniel said. "hang in there, go comfort him for fuck's sake" Brendon said cursing and then hanging up on him.

Brendon looked down at his phone, his Twitter open, _-Ian? Coming back? Omg, I wish.- -Jon fucking come back- -stop fucking spamming Ryan about it, he's probably over panic and won't come back.-_ Brendon smirked for himself, he hoped he wouldn't give some fans a heart attack when Ryan actually came on stage.

\--

"Mr. Disco? You're on in 5 min." A dude said in a very British accent. "you made him call me that Zack? Thank you." Brendon whispered to Zack. "No problem," Zack whispered back. As Brendon warmed a bit up backstage he saw Ryan holding his guitar, getting his gear on. Brendon smiled, as he could feel the clock ticking inside his brain. He got his golden microphone and jumped a bit on the spot to get ready. "Ready?" He heard a voice ask, "Yes. always ready." Brendon answered Nicole. "You?" "of course. What about Ryan? It's the first time he's gonna show himself" Nicole said worriedly. "I hope he'll be fine," Brendon said, also worried now. Brendon walked over to Ryan, "Hey Ry, You gonna be fine?" "Yea, of course.." Ryan said strumming his guitar a bit. He had his black button up on with flowers on, he had his hair styled and some skinny black jeans. Brendon patted Ryan on his shoulder before hearing a tick.

Fans where screaming different names as Brendon showed up on stage. "Hello, England!" Brendon said into his mic, "So you've all probably heard about Kenneth!" Fans where screaming, "Soo... I've brought back one of your favorites!" Brendon said smiling. "Ryan fucking Ross!" people were screaming more and crying and recording it and it was probably already on the internet by now. Ryan walked out on the stage in his place waving a bit awkwardly. Pre-split Panic! fans were probably dying somewhere of all the section, the impossible had just been broken. George Ryan Ross the third had come back to panic!. "Now everybody! Calm your emotions! He'll be here until we find a new guitarist-" "or if he wanna stay in the band I don't know" Brendon said the last part quieter looking at Ryan who just shrugged.

The music kicked in as _-Fuck a silver lining-_ began playing, Brendon was singing and smiling feeling like he had more energy in his body tonight, he always glanced over at Ryan who was just playing fantastic. Wasn't Ryan just perfect in every way, he had learned all the set song in under one day, working harder than ever. When _IWSNT_ was about to come out he looked at some of the backstage guys and the light got different. Brendon looked at Ryan and then the crowd.

"Now back to that dream." The crowd realized what was about to happen and those who haven't had had their phones out was now out and recording every move Brendon took, like a spy. Ryan looked kinda confused at first.

As Brendon walked over to Ryan he said, "You and your lover had just shared the most perfect, passionate kiss-" Brendon walked away from Ryan again "-when suddenly, the sky turns black. It grows dark as midnight. The sunflowers turn into weeds, pinning me to the ground. Which seems to be a lot like _\- marriage._ " as the bass kicked in, Brendon wanted that stage kiss even if it broke his and Ryans friendship, the first kiss they had shared was awkward and he couldn't blame it on anything. Now he could blame it on his actions on stage. Brendon actual sang everything and not just made fun of the song. As he came to the last I chimed in he walked towards a very anxiously looking Ryan. Brendon sang the words as he pushed Ryan away with his hand when he sang -no- and pulled him closer when he sang the next words.

Brendon moved his face closer to Ryan, Ryan looked relaxed and like he wanted to die. Brendon stole a quick kiss from Ryan that only lasted max 2 seconds but left Ryan speechless. Ryan was stunned in his place for some seconds before beginning to play again. Brendon could feel his anxiety run down his back but chose to ignore it and just sing the last few words.

\--

The rest of the performance was in high energy and Brendon had the rainbow flag around him when he entered backstage and high-fived some guys, he was really drained now. Brendon grabbed a bottle from the fridge in the dressing room when he felt a pair of eyes on him. Brendon turned around to see Ryan. "Hey Ryan, want a bottle of water?" Ryan walked over to Brendon, having his finger up and pushed Brendon back with his fingers. "I don't know what you want from me, Urie. But you have no right to do what you did without my fucking permission. Get it." Ryan said it in his monotone voice. Brendon was against the wall by now and gulped, angry relaxed Ryan was kinda hot Brendon admitted. Ryan left the room like nothing had happened. Brendon had to mess with Ryan some more because he was an asshole and didn't regret that quick peck on the lips.

They were on the bus by the next minutes and had to drive across England to get to the next place, Brendon had hugged some fans while singing _DOAB._ Brendon was currently sitting on the sofa while Nicole approached him. "What the heck did you just do, the first time Ryan comes on stage, being anxious as fuck, having just broken up with his boyfriend and now. You kissed him on stage. WHat wAS THAT?" Nicole asked trying to stay calm but failed. Brendon shrugged continuing playing fortnite battle royal. Nicole slapped the phone out of Brendon's hands. "You like him don't you? Z told me about how jealous you looked when Ryan asked Phillip out! You totally like him! But that gives you no permission to just kiss him, I'll kick your butt if you do it again." Nicole said she didn't care about if Brendon would kick her out for defending Ryan. "Could you keep quiet before anyone comes in-" "Who likes who?" Ryan said walking over to the mini fridge. Nicole smirked at Brendon.

"Oh nothing, Brendon just have a crush on a person named Ryan," Nicole said winking. "Ryan Reynolds. He has a great ass." Brendon said, beet tomato red. Ryan looked at Brendon, "Okay, yeah, he does.. But-..nevermind" Ryan said walking towards the bunks. Brendon sighed loudly and looked at Nicole. "What the heck Nico!" Brendon said whispering. Nicole just smirked and mimed _´´Tell him´´_ before leaving the room.

Brendon stood up and found his phone and picked it up, he saw a text from Nicole _-TELL HIM-_ God, he wishes Nicole would shut up. He _hrmph'ed_ and then continued his game of Fortnite, SnopeDog69 had shot him, stupid 12-year-olds. As Brendon looked down on his phone he heard a vibration on the table, he looked over and saw Ryans phone. God, he wishes he was anti-internet like Ryan, but he had to keep checking on his fans.

Brendon looked around and picked up the phone, there was no lock on it, such a Ryan. Brendon saw it was the decent normal lockscreen and homescreen, god such an adorable loser, Brendon went into the phone and clicked on Instagram, 709 comments and 209 likes? When was the last time he looked at Insta? He looked at some of the comments, congratulations, and some other random comments, the congraulations was from fans who didn't know about Ryan of course. It made Brendon sad they didn't know who Ryan was, he made the band and helped Brendon through a lot. Brendon sighed as he laid the phone on the table again and looked back to his game, Brendon thought about how happy Ryan had been back in the early Panic! days. Ryans smile lit up the room, for Brendon. Brendon remembered cuddeling with Ryan when Ryans girlfriends had broken up with him. Brendon heart always broke with Ryans as Ryan ranted about the girlfriends, Ryan had broken down crying after his first girlfriend had broken up with him, Brendon couldn't remember her name, probably something with S. After Jac, Ryans girlfriend he had met online, had filled his heartbroken heart, it broke again this time into more pieces. Some pieces got lost and never got found again, Brendon had tried to make Ryan happy, but he said he needed someone else, someone who'd listen to his poetic words, cuddle till they fell asleep, kiss him daily and understand him inside and out. Brendon had had a small crush on the guitarist but dicided to ignore the nagging words of asking Ryan out. Back then Brendon was still confused and thought Ryan was straight as he convinced he was.

As the memories came to Brendon, the tears came too, slowly, sneaking up on him and attacking him, he knew he needed to tell Ryan, but he felt too awkward and sweaty around the perfect skinny tall human being. Ryan had always been beautiful, even when he was in his emo teenage phase. Brendon moved up on the ground feeling the weight on the ground before taking the steps towards the bunk room. He heard Nicole's voice, she was whispering but as soon as he heard footsteps she just patted Ryan on the back and left the room, Brendon saw her go, "Hey" Brendon's head snapped towards the voice, it was Ryan, "H-Hey" Brendon said smiling. "Your stuttering, Urie. Whats running through your veins lately?" Ryans words where so damn poetic Brendon sometimes didn't understand him, "what?" "ugh, what's on your fucking mind lately, american enough??" Ryan said groaning and laying back into his bunk. "Geez what bit your ass?" Brendon asked as the curtain got closed in front of him. Ryan was such a teenager sometimes. Brendon walked into the tv room and saw Zack, Nicole, and Dan in there. "Hey what bit Ryans ass lately? He was very grumpy" "He's sexually frustrated," Nicole said shrugging. Brendon spit out his imaginary drink while Zack actually spit out his beer. "WhAt?" Brendon and Zack said at the same time.

"He didn't wanna masturbate bc it'd be awkward and he hadn't fucked since Gabe" Nicole said like it she talked about a summer vacation. "How'd you know, y'know he can do it in a bathroom or something we won't mind," Brendon said a bit too quickly before he began to instantly blush, Dan's eyebrows rose up and smirked at Brendon, "YOU won't mind. Brendon and Ryan sitting in a tree F U C K I N G!" Dan sang. "God I'm in a band with kids ugh," Brendon said walking towards the kitchen kinda room. "Guess he's sexually frustrated as well," Zack said, "probably, do you think the same thing as I do Zack?" Nicole asked looking at the bigger man. "I think so," Zack said as he and Nicole shared an evil grin. "Wait- what," Dan said confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im having a writers block shit


End file.
